Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  .Introduction.  This section has jokes.  ---  1/24/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  "Ex" is two-thirds of "Sex".  ---  2/6/2000

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  "I love tobasco", the trucker said.  "To season your food?", the waitress said.  "No, to stay awake.", he said, putting a drop in each eye.  ---  3/29/2002

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  "Many Little O's", breakfast cereal for women.  "One Big O", breakfast cereal for men.  ---  8/2/2001

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  A bumper sticker you might see on the Los Angeles freeway, "Satan is my tail gunner."  ---  11/15/2005

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  A comedian is someone who is wiki wiki with the nyuk nyuk.  ---  6/22/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  A comic strip titled "Coda Cola".  Panel 1: Person looks at their soda and says "I'm tired of giving all my soft drink money to the Coda Cola company.  I'm going to drink lemonade instead."  Panel 2: Person looks at their lemonade and says "Damn, this lemonade is also bottled by the Coda Cola company!  I'm going to drink water instead."  Panel 3: Person looks at their water and says, "What the hell?!  The water is bottled by the Coda Cola Company too!  I can't take it anymore.  I'm gonna shoot myself."  Panel 4: Corpse on floor with a gun in its hand.  Close up of the gun shows on its side "Coda Cola Arms Division."  The End.  ---  1/1/2004

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  A conversation overheard.  Person One asks, "Are you an artist?"  Person Two replies, "Do you need art?"  (The joke being that if Person One is looking to buy art then Person Two will gladly create and sell them something called art).  ---  10/16/2001

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  A History of 20th Century Physics.  Twentieth century physics begins with the discovery of soft ice cream at the turn of the century.  Some people attribute this discovery to Tom Carvel while other say that Mr. Softee should get the credit.  Soft ice cream paved the way for the discovery of whipped toppings such as Cool Whip and Ready Whip.  Many years passed until a breakthrough was made with the discovery of Jello.  Jello made possible the space program.  During an extra-orbital space flight Tang was discovered.  Tang was interesting because it could exist in a solid, crystalline form or a refreshing, liquid form.  Eventually Liquid Smoke was discovered, a substance that was able exist as a liquid or a gas.  The 21st century holds many hopes and dreams for the physicists of today.  ---  6/14/2000

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  A joke to say to a heckler.  Hey buddy, the phrase "Get the lead out" is not supposed to refer to your brain.  ---  9/20/1999

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  A man walks into a talent agency and says he has a great act.  The talent agent asks what is the act.  The man says, "First I ask if there are any altar boys in the audience.  Then I invite them on stage and get fresh with them.  Then I ask if there are any women in the audience who showed up without a male chaperone.  I invite them on stage and get fresh with them.  Then I ask if there is anyone in the audience who has not prayed today.  I invite them on stage and get fresh with them.  Anyone left in the audience I invite on stage and make them clean up the mess.  Then I chop off a few hands.  Then I do a few clitorectomys.  Then I stone a few people death.  Then I take a bow."  The talent agent asks what is the name of the act.  The man says, "The Theocrats."  ---  7/20/2005

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  A painting by the French impressionist Paul Gauche, called "Where the f*ck am I?  What the f*ck is happening?  Who the f*ck are you?"  ---  11/23/2005

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  A psychiatrist, a philosopher, and a computer programmer walk into a bar.  The psychiatrist orders whiskey; the philosopher orders wine; and the computer programmer orders a beer.  They start talking to a guy at the bar who is drinking milk.  After an hour, the psychiatrist, the philosopher, and the computer programmer say to the guy drinking milk, "So you are telling us that someone replaced your computer desktop with a full screen snapshot of your computer desktop, and now you think it is possible that either you are in the Matrix or else you are a brain in a vat?"  ---  2/7/2007

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  A radio broadcast; "In Ohio, a minister is asking people not to use the phrase, "The corn is as high as an elephant's eye.", because it contains a subliminal message regarding drug use.  The other half of the story; I'm naked from the waist down."  ---  11/27/2004

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  A store called "Just Paperclips Etcetera".  ---  5/5/2005

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  A store that sells crematory receptacles, "You've Urned It."  ---  1/2/2005

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  A t-shirt for binary digital types: I LOVE N/Y.  ---  5/6/2002

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  A television show.  Don Sellars: Insurance Claims Administrative Clerk.  (Musical introduction)  (Setting: an office with desks, office workers, and a front desk)  (Scene 1: a person enters and stands at the front desk).  Don Sellars says, "Can I help you?"  Person says, "Yes, I'm here about the accident yesterday on Main Street."  Don Sellars says, "How can I help you?"  Person says, "Who determines the reward given to a person who is injured due to negligence on the part of the driver?"  Don Sellars says, "A lawyer will present an argument to a judge and jury."  Person says, "Well, then who gathers the actual physical evidence at the crime scene?"  Don Sellars says, "A police officer gathers any physical evidence."  Person says, "Then who determines the cause of death?"  Don Sellars says, "A forensic pathologist determines the cause of death."  Person says, "Who will investigate if no actual crime was committed?"  Don Sellars says, "A private detective will investigate if no actual crime was committed."  Person says, "Who will determine if insurance will cover the car repair?"  Don Sellars says, "An insurance claims adjuster will determine if insurance will cover the car repair."  Person says, "Is that you?"  Don Sellars says, "No."  Person says, "Then what do you do?"  Don Sellars says, "My name is Don Sellars.  I am an Insurance Claims Administrative Clerk."  (Commercial break).  ---  9/15/2005

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  A therapist picks up some cards and says to patient, "I want you to look at these pictures of stars and tell me what you see."  The patient says, "That picture looks like a microscope.  That one looks like a fly.  That looks like a rabbit.  That one looks like a sea monster."  Therapist puts down the cards and says, "I'm afraid you have a severe case of astromania."  The patient says, "What?  You're the one with the pictures of constellations."  ---  12/7/2004

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  A yuppie confrontation avoided: "Muffy, don't listen to Tad, that's just the wine-cooler talking."  ---  6/28/2000

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  A zoology joke.  A man is about to be reincarnated as a whale.  He finds out there is good news and bad news.  The good news is he will have a ten foot schlong.  The bad news is his wife only wants to f*ck every three years.  ---  5/22/2000

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Adventures in Speed Dating.  DATE ONE.  She says, "Hi, my name is Melissa, I work in finance."  He says, "Hi, I'm Raoul, I'm homeless, jobless and dateless."  End of date.  DATE TWO.  She says, "Hi, I'm Wendy, I work in marketing."  He says, "Hi, I'm Raoul, I'm homeless, jobless and dateless".  She says, "I can work with that.  What are your hobbies?"  He says, "I like philosophy."  End of date.  DATE THREE.  She says, "Hi, I'm Susan, I'm in management."  He says, "Hi, I'm Raoul, I'm homeless, jobless and dateless."  She says, "Okay.  What are your hobbies?"  He says, "I like philosophy."  She says, "Fine.  Does it take you two minutes to make love?"  He says, "No, I usually make it last longer than that."  She says, "You'll have to do.  Let's go."  ---  6/12/2005

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Advertisements to beware of: "Ged your GED today!"  ---  4/23/2002

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Advertisements you won't see: "cafe' Speed is now serving coffee shakes.  They're tremble-icious!"  ---  7/5/2000

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Advice to teens: Do not read "Death of a Salesman" and "Babbitt" back to back.  ---  11/30/2003

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Alpha males?  More like ALF males.  Remember ALF?  ---  11/22/2005

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  America is a nation that needs alternative sources of energy.  America is also a nation of obese people.  Therefore, America should use liposuction to gather fat to be used as fuel.  America can run on its own human lard.  ---  8/6/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Amish horse and buggy with signs on the left and right side of the rear bumper saying "passing side" and "suicide".  ---  9/15/1998

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  An alternative ending for the film "The Lord of the Rings", directed by Peter Jackson, in lieu of the final kiss scene.  (Final scene) Frodo and Sam stand on the shore, having completed the journey to Mordor to destroy the ring.  Frodo casually asks Sam for a foot rub, claiming fatigue.  Sam agrees in his usual, good-natured way.  Frodo then requests that Sam remove his shirt.  Sam says he is does not feel warm.  Frodo insists that Sam will feel better if he takes off his shirt.  Sam takes off his shirt.  Then Frodo asks Sam to start singing a song.  Sam protests, questioning whether singing is really necessary.  Frodo insists that Sam sing a song.  A shirtless, singing Sam Gamgee continues giving a foot rub to a rapturously smiling Frodo Baggins.  (Fade out)  Five minutes later.  (Fade in).  Sam says, "Mr. Frodo?"  Frodo says, "Yes, Sam?"  Sam says, "Now that we have destroyed the ring, any so called 'agreement' we had to work together toward that goal is dissolved."  Frodo says, "What do you mean, Sam?"  Sam says, "What I mean is that I'm going back to my wife."  Frodo says, "What about my feet?"  Sam says, "You can massage your own stinking hairy feet."  Frodo says, "Sam, get back here."  Sam says, "Kiss my hobbit wand, Frodo."  (The End).  ---  6/19/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Announcer: "Welcome to What's My Motivation, the game show where contestants guess the motivations of everyday people in order to win, you guessed it, cash and prizes.  Our contestants today are Tim, a wall street trader from Summit, New Jersey.  Susan, a housewife from Oxnard, California.  And Rolf, a masseur from Demoines, Iowa.  Okay, lets play What's My Motivation.  Our first mystery guest is an architect named Stuart.  He is married with two children.  He coaches Little League and collects stamps.  What is his motivation?  Tim?"  Tim says, "Making a million dollars?"  Announcer says, "No.  Susan?"  Susan says, "Putting his kids through college?"  Announcer says, "Close, but no.  Rolf?"  Rolf says, "Getting a first issue plate of the new Ethel Merman stamp?"  Announcer says, "That's right.  Second round.  A woman named Gwen likes macrame' and cats.  She works as an administrative assistant.  She just spent her pay check on lottery tickets and a pint of ice cream.  What's her motivation?  Rolf?"  Rolf says, "Win a million dollars?"  Announcer says, "No.  Tim?"  Tim says, "I pass."  Announcer says, "Susan?"  Susan says, "She wants to get over a break up with her boyfriend."  Announcer says, "That's right!  We'll be right back with more What's My Motivation."  ---  5/7/2005

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Ask the Hermit.  A reader writes, "Dear Hermit, my girlfriend and I have a great relationship, however part of her family does not get along with part of my family.  Specifically, her half-brother has an intense love/hate relationship with my third cousin twice removed, who, incidentally, is completely oblivous.  Please advise, the situation is urgent."  The Hermit replies, "The brook flows.  The clouds appear and disappear.  Everywhere the plants are in bloom."  The reader writes back, "Um, I don't think you quite grasp the severity of the situation.  Our family gatherings are in complete disarray because of this problem.  I wrote you, in confidence, expecting a prompt, concise, clear reply."  The Hermit replies, "The goldfish traces a path.  Soon it will be winter.  Flock of geese, flock of sheep, flock of seagulls?  Grumble.  Murmur.  Psh.  Hrumph.  Cough.  Hawk.  Spit."  The reader replies, "Really, this is too much.  You write an advice column.  I'm asking you for advice.  Hello?  Is anyone home?"  The Hermit replies, "(Shrug) (Smile) (Wanders away)."  ---  1/4/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Astronomer's log for the first half of September, 2004.  September 1st, cloudy.  September 2nd, rain.  September 3rd, cloudy.  September 4th, rain.  September 5th, cloudy.  September 6th, clear but the full moon makes it too bright to see the galaxies.  September 7th, rain.  September 8th, cloudy.  September 9th, clear but I was too tired and fell asleep.  September 10th, cloudy.  September 11th, rain.  September 12th, clear but my wife and I made whoopee.  September 13th, cloudy.  September 14th, rain.  ---  9/14/2004

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  At a party.  First person says, "I'm going to name my child 'Madison'."  Second person says, "I'm going to name my child 'Lexington'."  Third person says, "I'm going to name my child 'Third Avenue'."  ---  12/28/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  At a therapy session, the therapist says to the patient, "Why are you crying?"  The patient says, "Because I'm doing most of the work here and I'm not getting paid, while you are not doing much work at all and you're getting paid."  The therapist says, "You're making progress."  ---  11/16/2004

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  At the flea market I swiped an object and started walking away with it.  They said I had to pay.  I said, "Flea Market.  Everything is flea!"  ---  5/6/2000

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  At the restaurant I had difficulty deciding between the dolphin safe tuna and the tuna safe dolphin.  ---  4/14/1998

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  At this point, making a joke about sadistic necrophiliac bestiality would be like beating a dead horse.  ---  11/24/2003

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Begin the Beguine.  Resume the Resume'.  ---  10/25/2001

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Book title: "From Cab to Cap and Back Again."  ---  6/19/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Book title: "Learn French in Five Minutes a Day".  Subtitle: "ten thousand days required".  ---  2/27/2001

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Books that perhaps should never have been written: "Complete Idiots Guide to Rock Climbing".  ---  1/21/2000

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Boot and Reboot are in a boat, Boot falls out, who is left?  Reboot.  (repeat joke).  ---  7/7/1998

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Bush says, "These employment numbers are the highest I've ever seen."  An aide says "That is because everyone is working two jobs.  Bush says, "I don't get it."  The aide says, "If everyone is forced to work two jobs then the employment numbers double."  ---  7/31/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  By high school I had formulated a "Failure With Dignity" plan.  ---  4/11/2005

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Canal Street: Is it a street or a canal?  ---  9/12/2001

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Carnival sideshow: Paul the Happy Medium.  ---  9/8/1998

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Cartoon: Picture of two people in a room that has a high ceiling.  There is a large ceiling fan with blades that span the entire room.  The ceiling fan is hanging low, just above head level.  The fan is spinning very quickly, so that everything in the room is being blown away.  One person says to the other, "At least it keeps the room cool."  ---  1/1/2007

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  CEO handbook: "What Color is Your Golden Parachute?"  Worker handbook: "What Color is Your Paranoid?"  ---  3/13/2005

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Children's toy: "My First Climbing Rope".  This fifty foot piece of old clothesline will provide minutes of enjoyment while your child learns about height, gravity and the laws of falling bodies.  ---  6/4/2002

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Claude faced the same problem that all poet-philosophers face: getting his syllogisms to rhyme.  ---  12/23/2000

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Comedy duo: Two eggs on a roll.  ---  9/8/1998

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Commercial for Bartleby Hospital.  (Poignant music plays in background).  A few years ago, my doctor called me to his office and told me that I had a case of severe ingrown toenail.  So I bought myself a burial plot, made my funeral arrangements, and started digging my own grave.  Then my doctor called me back into his office and told me to stop digging my grave.  I said, "Really?"  He said, "Yes, the workers at the cemetery dig the graves. " I said, "Oh."  Then my doctor told me that severe ingrown toenail could be easily treated with a simple out-patient procedure.  I said, "Hot Ziggity."  The doctors at Bartleby Hospital saved my life.  I was so happy I ate a cake.  Which caused a case of advanced gastro-esophageal reflux.  Here we go again.  ---  3/1/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Could have beens.  A school called "Three R's 'R Us".  ---  7/11/2002

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Could have beens.  Johnny Cash song, "Ghost Writers in Disguise".  ---  8/3/2004

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Could have beens.  Movie called "Layaway: Final Payment", starring Bruce Willis and Imelda Marcos.  ---  9/17/2001

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Could have beens.  Movie title: "Malice Doesn't Live Here Anymore."  ---  10/7/2003

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Could have beens.  Novel by F. Scott Fitzgerald called "Tender is the Thigh".  ---  8/8/2001

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Could have beens.  Poem by Walt Whitman, "Out of the Cradle Endlessly Mocking."  ---  9/19/2003

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Could have beens.  Song title: My Foamy Ballantine.  ---  8/3/2001

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Count yourself among New York's weirdest.  ---  2/16/2002

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Cover letter.  Hello.  Permit me to introduce myself.  My name is Rene Vargas.  Although, at this point, I am a complete stranger to you, I could not help but notice that you and I are both in somewhat of a predicament.  Your company needs an employee.  I need a job.  Don't you see?  There is a solution to both our problems.  Think about it: we just exchange.  We simply trade.  Your company hires me.  I work for your company.  Its a flawless plan, when you consider it.  Naturally, you would want an employee who is creative and has a good sense of humor.  I would want an employer who provides free coffee and a comprehensive dental plan.  But the details are negotiable.  Friend, the answer is clear.  My resume is attached.  ---  2/1/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Create a "Credits Channel" on television which shows nothing but rolling film credits and soothing music 24 hours a day, for when regular television programming is just too much.  ---  1/1/2001

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Create a park called Butt Park, because in New York, there is no place to park your butt, except in the park, so we should call the park Butt Park.  ---  04/10/1997

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Dateline Sweden.  It was announced today that a new category has been discovered.  A team of experts from around the globe is being assembled to confirm the existence of the new category.  Meanwhile, academia is abuzz with the excitement that only the discovery of a new category can create.  /  It is not determined yet how the new category should be classified.  Scientists, philosophers and artists each want to claim the new category as their own.  /  John Truth, a philosopher at MIT, had this to say about the new category, "As a philosopher, I haven't seen this kind of excitement since Oxford in the 1950's.  We've seen new concepts, new theories, even new paradigms, but the discovery of an entirely new category is quite remarkable."  /  Elise Probably, an artist at the School of Design, said, "Artists were the first to recognize the new category.  I cite a reference in the Journal of the History of Contemporary Post Futurism."  /  Will Fact, a scientist at the Chevy Foundation offered this, "The new category will require new tools of measurement which we are currently developing.  Its too early to tell the industrial potential of the new category, but I think we're looking at a winner."  /  Mathematicians, logicians and beauticians are similarly agog over the discovery of the new category.  ---  5/7/2005

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  David Plane says he's going to live in a small glass box with 50,000 cockroaches.  As a carnival stunt?  No, he's renting a studio apartment in Manhattan.  ---  6/10/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Dear Blog.  I blogged a bloggy blog today.  And all the blogs were blogging blogly.  Blog bye.  ---  12/21/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Dear journal: Today I spent the entire day writing in my journal and reading old journal entries.  I plan the same for tomorrow.  ---  5/29/2007

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Dear sir, Enclosed in this envelope please find your new plastic card.  Your plastic card tells you who you are.  Your plastic card tells you how to live your life.  Your plastic card determines what you do, and thus, what you think and feel.  Feel free to use your plastic card anywhere we tell you to.  If you have any questions, call us anytime, but speak to no one else.  Do not tell anyone your PIN number; it will be our little secret.  Begin shopping now.  ---  2/26/2007

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Dear sir, You are now the proud owner of our product.  Thank you for buying our product.  You have made us richer.  (1) Naturally, you expect that the benefits of using our product outweigh the costs of using our product in addition to the money you spent buying our product.  Any expectations on your part do not imply a guarantee on our part.  (2) Also, please be aware that you now have another "thing" in your life, and this may result in making your life more complicated.  (3) In addition, the purchase of our product sends out a social signal regarding the type of person that you are.  You have now become the type of person who buys our product.  Please affix our sticker in a clearly visible place.  (4) Once again, welcome, thank you, and get in line.  ---  3/10/2007

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Dear sir, You have have been taken over.  A consortium of interested investors has purchased all rights to you.  The enclosed paperwork explains it all in sufficient detail.  You will continue to exist, only you will not be "you" per se, rather, you will be an asset of "The Company".  Go about your business.  ---  2/26/2007

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Depot Depot.  //  Come to Depot Depot to outfit your depot.  Do you have a depot?  Is it your depot threadbare?  Is your depot bereft of decor?  Depot Depot will make your depot sparkle and shine.  It does not matter if you have a train depot, a bus depot, a plane depot, or even a Segway depot.  Depot Depot is the place to go to furnish your depot.  Speak to our depot people, who know all there is to know about depots.  Depot Depot is the place to go for all your depots needs.  Depot Depot.  That's Depot Depot!  ---  4/10/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Do you shop at McWalBucks?  ---  3/20/2004

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Do you suffer from loose pocket change?  Now there is a prescription medication, called Coinex, that you can take to alleviate the symptoms of loose pocket change.  Did you know that loose pocket change can weigh you down and make lying on your side uncomfortable?  Not to mention the ever-present worry of knowing your pockets have too much change in them.  Ask your doctor about Coinex and solve your loose pocket change problem today!  ---  4/8/2001

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Donuts cost a dollar a piece today, so now betting dollars to donuts is a moot point.  ---  3/21/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Double Bind!  The hilarious new party game where people try to extricate themselves from a series of severely debilitating psychological pretzel holds.  (1) Begin playing Double Bind by shuffling the deck of Issues cards that have printed on them various problems that a person can experience in their work, relationships, or any other area of their life.  Each player collects one card each turn.  When a player collects two cards that conflict, everyone yells, "Double Bind!".  For example, if you collect one card that says "Girlfriend doesn't love me", and another card that says "If I can't have her then no one can.", you are in a Double Bind!  (2) When you are in a Double Bind you have four options: Murder, Suicide, Addiction, or Standup Comedy.  If you choose Murder then you get to knock one player out of the game, but then you have to sit out twenty turns in either "Jail" or the "Mental Hospital".  If you pick "Jail", then you have to wear the plastic handcuffs that are included with the game.  If you choose "Mental Hospital" you have to wear the straight jacket that is included with the game.  If you choose Suicide you don't leave the game, rather, you have to spend the next fifteen turns making the other players feel guilty.  If you choose Addiction then you get to drink, but you also have to throw up every turn for ten turns.  If you choose Standup Comedy then you have to tell a revealing personal joke every turn for five turns.  (3) More ways to play:  If its your turn, and you draw a card that does NOT put you in a Double Bind, then you can elect to go to Therapy by taking a therapy chip.  When you acquire four therapy chips you can use them to get out of your next Double Bind.  (4) Another way to get out of a Double Bind is the Change Attitude option.  The player attempts to think of a way to change their attitude to get out of their Double Bind.  If the player's answer matches one of the Change Attitude answers printed on the back of the card then that person gets out of their Double Bind.  (5) Double Bind! is so fun and easy to play.  Double Bind! is also a game that portrays problems that you may face in your own life.  Play Double Bind! today!  ---  11/20/2005

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  East meets west: the sourdough bagel.  ---  11/1/2003

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Employees must wash customer's hands before returning to work?  ---  7/19/2001

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Every time you go to "Mega-cuts" to get a haircut, you end up looking like one of the Three Stooges.  At "Mega-cuts", they have three haircuts, "The Moe", "The Larry", and "The Curly".  ---  4/27/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Fake name for a cashier: May Shortchange.  ---  12/30/1997

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Fake name for a restaurant: Chez Whiz.  ---  10/14/2003

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Fake name: Bjorn Jesterday.  ---  6/12/2002

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Fake name: Blip.  For someone who is an outlier or a statistical anomaly.  ---  1/1/2002

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Fake name: Flip Glib.  ---  5/7/1999

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Fake name: Gorp Torpor.  ---  4/7/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Fake name: Pat Answer.  ---  7/2/2001

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Fake name: Tad Askew.  ---  6/19/1998

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Fake names for brother and sister: Terrace and Veranda.  ---  9/28/1998

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Favorite postmodern, self-referential, ironic dialogue by a character in a novel: "I am not a character in a novel."  ---  9/1/2005

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Final line in a letter from a businessman: "Please don't hesitate to let me know if there is anyone else I can do."  ---  4/13/2001

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  For my next trick I would like to juggle two blondes.  Are there two blonde ladies in the audience?  (Point to one blonde).  Would you like to go out Friday?  Yes?  (Point to the other blonde).  Would you like to go out Saturday?  Yes?  Thank you very much!  (Applause).  ---  2/6/2001

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Furtive and Fumbling, licensed sex therapists.  ---  6/19/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Gameshow.  Let's play "Guess How the Artists Died!"  Your choices of death are: Suicide, Syphilis, Tuberculosis, Alcoholism, and Car Accident.  Your choices of artists are: Jackson Pollack, Hart Crane, George Orwell, Jack Kerouac, and Friedrich Nietzsche.  You have one minute to "Guess How the Artists Died!"  ---  7/2/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Garrison Peillor, author of "Lake Whoadude", says, "Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet porn."  ---  5/28/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Give a man a fish and he will have smelly hands.  Teach a man to fish and he can contribute to the destruction of the marine ecosystem.  ---  4/23/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Give a man a fish and he will say, "Thanks for the fish, buddy."  Teach a man to fish and you can charge him tuition.  ---  4/23/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Grafitti dollar bill.  Today the government announced that to help deter counterfeiting the new one dollar bill will have the following phrases printed on it in brightly colored inks and unique fonts: "Bling bling", "Can't touch this!", "Class of 73", "Suzy and Bobby 4ever 2gether".  ---  8/3/2004

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Gutters and cisterns.  ---  5/29/2003

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Guys name: Andor.  And/or.  ---  12/20/1998

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Gym troublemaker.  Zeno's paradox.  His reps get slower and slower as he approaches the end of the set.  ---  5/30/1998

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Haiku.  Sitting in the dark, in the bathroom, because the lights shut off to save energy.  ---  4/7/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Happy coincidence?  The degree to which you mess up your life due to your own stupidity is the same degree that it does not bother you due to your own stupidity.  ---  10/31/2004

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  He did not know much about management.  He thought "supervision" was an attribute of comic book heroes.  ---  8/31/2001

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  He doesn't know the difference between NASA and NASCAR.  ---  4/12/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  He finally finished his autobiography entitled "This Page Left Blank Intentionally".  ---  9/28/2002

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  He heard the adage, "Candy is dandy, but licker is quicker", so he licked her but.  ---  11/20/97

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  He said, "I have good news and bad news.  The bad news is that I broke up with my girlfriend.  The good news is that I made up with my right hand."  ---  2/26/2007

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  He said, "Make sure you watch out for my Jaguar."  I said, "Make sure you watch out for my Pumas."  ---  4/17/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  He says, "Did you see 'The 300'?"  She says, "The 300 what?"  He says, "The 300 dumb asses."  She says, "I heard they used computer animation to make that movie."  He says, "That's because the producers could not find 300 actors stupid enough to play the roles."  ---  5/5/2007

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  He says, "I started with nothing."  She says, "How did you make out?"  He says, "I broke even."  ---  5/10/2005

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  He says, "I'm a gypsy."  She says, "I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing."  He says, "If you're a Nazi then its a bad thing."  ---  4/12/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  He says, "I'm considering adoption."  She says, "That's terrific.  You are going to adopt a baby?"  He says, "No.  I want someone to adopt me."  ---  11/20/2004

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  He says, "I'm considering day care."  She says, "That's great.  You are going to put your child in day care?"  He says, "No.  I want to put myself in daycare."  ---  11/25/2004

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  He was happy that his back injury pain was blocking out the pain from his hernia.  ---  4/23/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  He was suffering from the three I's of old age: Impotence, Incontinence, and Impertinence.  ---  4/23/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Hello?  Is this the National Scone Company?  Yes, my name is Mortimer Snerd, and I have a complaint.  I bought some of your scones and they have absolutely no taste whatsoever.  Hello?  Can you speak louder, I cannot hear a word you are saying.  I want a full refund for a box of scones.  They tasted like cardboard sprinkled with sawdust.  What's in these scones anyway?  Read the list of ingredients?  I can't read the list of ingredients because the print is too small.  I say these scones have no taste or smell.  What did you say?  I can't hear you.  Hello?  Hello?  ---  7/14/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Her body was ex-squeeze-ite.  ---  12/2/2001

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Her personal trainer was named Gym.  ---  7/15/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Hip hugger jeans are exposing the soft underbelly of America.  ---  9/8/2005

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  His dick was getting as much action as a baby changing table in a men's bathroom.  ---  4/7/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  His goal was to stay out of gaol.  ---  4/21/2005

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  His neighbors were a mix of the Munsters and the Flintstones.  ---  8/4/2004

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Horror movies.  When women get scared at the movies they let out an honest scream and get it over with.  When men get scared at the movies they often look like they just realized that they lost their car keys and they silently check all their pockets in one second flat.  ---  5/6/2000

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Hot food in hot weather, cold food in cold weather.  Consistency is more important than personal comfort.  ---  11/30/1996

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  How the corporations will keep humans alive.  //  Monday is national "free cup of coffee day" at Starbucks.  Tuesday is national "free hamburger day" at McDonalds.  Wednesday is national "free blah day" at Blah corp.  And so on and so on.  Every day of the year will be a giveaway somewhere.  Feeling tired?  Don't worry, Thursday is free cone day at Dairy Queen.  High blood sugar?  Friday is free drumstick day at KFC.  ---  4/25/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Hugh Grant in formal attire on a New York subway.  "Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen.  I don't mean to interrupt your commute.  You see, I've managed to lock myself out of my castle.  Silly me (self deprecating smile and chuckle).  The guest house is already taken.  And my summer villa is being painted.  Quite unfortunate, really.  The Rolls Royce is at the mechanics.  The Bentley is being detailed   And I let the chauffeur take the Jaguar for the weekend.  So, plainly then, I am obviously in dire need of help.  I do hope you will all see fit to lend a hand.  It would actually be quite proper and so forth (self deprecating smile and chuckle).  Eh, whot?  Good show.  Jolly good.  ---  10/30/2004

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Humpty Dumpty Press Conference.   Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for being here today.  It gives me great pleasure to announce that through modern science and technology Humpty Dumpty is back together again.  Without any further ado, here is Humpty Dumpty.  (Standing ovation).   Humpty Dumpty: Thank you.  Thank you very much.  Its good to be back.  Well, they said it couldn't be done, but I am back.  They say, "All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again."  You know what?  They are wrong.  The corrupt king, his flunky men and their stinking horses are a bunch of backward, medieval, ultra-conservative royalists.  I met some new cool liberal types and I feel better than ever.  And I have a new dent-proof shell.  Don't believe what they say about there being no hope.  See you on the wall.  Rock on!  (Standing ovation).  ---  11/20/2004

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Hunting as a hobby is a joke.  What is the challenge of using a rifle to shoot a deer in the woods when you can hit a deer with your car while backing out of your driveway on your way to work?  ---  6/19/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  I am a little concerned about the demographic that is awake at 3am watching television and buying baseball cards and bowie knives.  ---  11/10/2001

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  I am writing a children's book called, "Why the Neurotic had No Friends".  ---  10/2/1999

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  I don't collaborate.  Isn't collaboration a bad thing?  Don't they shoot collaborators?  ---  4/23/2002

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  I go to the coffee cart on the corner and order "coffee blech".  (i.e., coffee black).  ---  6/4/2001

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  I hangout in lesbian bars because there are twice as many women there.  They do not want me, but neither do the women in the straight bars.  ---  7/28/1998

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  I have a rye sense of toast.  ---  12/23/2000

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  I introduced my psychotherapist to my chiropractor and freed up four afternoons a week.  ---  11/10/2001

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  I Just Want To Get Paid.  //  What do I have to do to get paid around here?  I work hard every day.  I want to get paid.  I never thought I would have so much trouble getting paid.  I thought it would be easy to get paid.  I look around and I see other people are getting paid.  Why can't I get paid?  People kept saying how they were getting paid.  It seemed like people were getting paid left and right.  I'm finding its not so easy to get paid.  I'm wondering when I will get paid.  Sometimes, I want to get paid so bad it feels like I'm going to explode.  ---  4/7/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  I long for a deep woman.  ---  4/4/2001

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  I need a biographer in-person.  Someone to interpret me to the people with whom I interact.  ---  3/19/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  I needed writing paper, so Audrey suggested I go to the stationary store.  So I said, "As opposed to a store that is moving?"  ---  9/26/2000

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  I see your point and it appears to be at the tip of your cone-shaped head.  ---  4/18/2001

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  I took a stab at being an assassin.  ---  9/8/1998

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  I was a hypnotist for a brief spell.  ---  06/10/1997

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  I was arrested in France for failure to use a napkin.  ---  9/25/2004

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  I was CEC of my company.  Constant Existential Crisis.  ---  1/25/2000

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  I was in a restroom stall one day and noticed a small hole in the bathroom wall.  The next day the hole was a little larger.  On the third day the hole was as large as a human head, and there was a guy looking out of the hole.  He said he was from the NSA, the National Security Agency, which is a United States spy agency.  He said it was his job to keep an eye on the restroom situation.  He told me to ignore him and go about my business.  He seemed somewhat bored and he started making small talk.  He knew my name and inquired about my health.  He asked if I minded if he did some fact checking.  ---  6/19/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  I would give you a piece of my mind but I don't believe in welfare.  ---  11/30/1996

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  I'm like a crackaholic, but for women.  ---  7/1/2005

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  I'm not saying he was aesthetically shallow, but the depth of his artistic sense was trying to spot the Playboy bunny in every painting he saw.  ---  2/23/2001

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  I'm not saying she's nutty but she's got more people in her head than the Statue of Liberty.  ---  6/20/2002

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  I've forgotten what it is I've lost touch with.  ---  1/17/2002

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Icarus Airlines.  ---  02/28/1998

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Idea for a television show: Mr. Zed the thinking horse.  Scene: A farm.  Farmer 1: What's the matter with that horse on your team that does not want to pull?  Farmer 2: That is Mr. Zed.  He doesn't like to pull.  He just wants to think.  Farmer 1: I notice him drawing symbols in the dirt with his hoof.  Farmer 2: Yes, he does that constantly.  No one knows what it means.  Farmer 1: Why don't you just let him loose?  Farmer 2: We tried that but he won't run with the herd.  Farmer 1: Well, then it's the glue factory for him.  Farmer 2: I guess so.  Come on Mr. Zed.  ---  3/14/2002

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  If I want your shit I will take a walk across your front lawn.  ---  12/30/1998

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  If you look closely at the Statue of Liberty's other hand, the hand that is not holding the torch, at the right moment on the right day, you will see that the middle finger is extended.  ---  4/23/2002

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  If you were alive sixty years ago, and if you lived on the Bowery, and if you had taken care of your health, rather than drinking yourself silly, then you might have lived long enough to hear the following news report: "While skyscraper after skyscraper goes up, the New York hoi poloi have decided that the piece de resistance is living on the Bowery.  Countless limousines pull up to the curb and dump out one jewel bedecked tycoon after another.  No doubt about it, if you ain't here then you ain't nowhere.  And that's no bottle of bathtub gin.  From the Bowery, this is Flim Flam reporting, Channel 2020 news."  ---  8/10/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Imagine a new television program called, "When Card Tricks Go Bad".  The dialogue: "Is this the card you picked?"  "No."  "Is this the one?"  "No."  "This one?"  "No."  "Is this your card?"  "No."  "This?"  "No.".  ---  8/26/2001

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  In college I took a semester to study a broad.  She was a nude model from my art class.  I dropped out of school to have an affair with her.  ---  10/16/2001

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  In New York City it is common to refer to pigeons as "rats with wings".  However, it is less common to refer to rats as "four-legged pigeons".  ---  7/2/2001

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  In the car she said, "Excuse me.  Why is there a banana peel, an orange rind, and an apple core on your dashboard?"  He said, "Its a potpourri."  ---  7/25/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  In the health food restaurant I ordered compost.  ---  7/18/1998

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  In the not so distant future inventors will develop a car whose exhaust smells like barbecue.  ---  5/29/2002

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  In the supermarket, "Do you have love oil?  I mean olive oil".  ---  11/29/1993

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  In the year 2030 it will be announced that finally after 50 years everyone in the United States has received a MacArthur genius award except Walt.  ---  4/18/2007

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  In Tibet they revere the Dalai Lama.  In America they worship the Dollar Wallet.  ---  12/2/2003

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Introducing the one you love to hate to love...  ---  2/16/2002

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Is this what its come to?  Hotels that say, "George Washington slept here."  Restaurants that say, "George Washington ate here."  Roadside pit stops that say, "George Washington shat here."  Street corner signs that say, "George Washington spat here."  ---  11/12/2004

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  It was clear that they were a cosmopolitan couple; they had been to discotheques around the world and could order drinks in more than six languages.  ---  6/1/2002

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  It was lunchtime, and John decided to write a letter to his girlfriend Johanna.  He typed his network password into the computer.  Then he typed in his local computer password.  Then he typed in the password for the word processing software.  Now he was ready to write.  He typed in the word "Dear".  The computer prompt asked him if he wanted to use the word "Dear."  John typed "Yes".  The computer asked him to type in the password for the word "Dear".  John typed the password.  Then he typed "J", the first letter of "Johanna".  The computer prompt asked him if he wanted to use the letter "J".  John typed "Yes".  The computer asked him to type the password for the letter "J".  John typed the password to the letter "J".  To read the rest of this, please type the password.  ---  4/27/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Its a mad, mad, mad, mad cow.  ---  4/29/2001

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Its a Monday morning and two bleary-eyed Hollywood movie industry types meet at the water cooler.  First Marketer: I have a cool name for a movie, "Jurassic Park".  Second Marketer: "You're a Sick F*ck"?  ---  7/14/2001

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Its Hello Kitty's world.  We just live in it.  ---  7/1/2000

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Ixnay on the x-ray.  ---  2/28/1998

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Jim says, "John, did you say that you used to be in the closet?"  John says, "No, I said that the place I was renting was the size of a closet."  ---  6/5/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Job description:  This job entails working with objects and boxes.  Objects are removed from boxes and then put into other boxes.  Boxes of objects are moved.  Objects outside of boxes are also moved, usually toward boxes.  If you enjoy objects, boxes, the boxing of objects, and the moving of both boxes and objects, then you will probably enjoy this job.  Please have experience with objects and box-related environments.  After work we meet at a local bar where the object is to discuss boxing.  ---  7/24/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Job joke.  For years I languished.  Do you know what it is like to languish?  If you don't, you are in for a shock.  Its not pretty.  ---  3/31/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Job title: Heretic.  Job description: Challenge the orthodoxy.  Debunk conventional wisdom.  Iconoclasts welcome.  ---  10/27/2003

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Jonathan Living Stoned Seagull.  ---  1/2/2007

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Joyce, Keats, Yeats, Rilke, Proust, Nervy.  What do all these names have in common?  Five letters.  ---  10/26/2003

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Knurlman and Choad, personal injury lawyers.  //  My name is Robert Knurlman.  I am a personal injury lawyer.  If you are injured, call me.  I will represent you in a court of law.  I will present your case before a judge and jury.  If your brain has become soft from too much television, let me know.  I am a member of the bar.  I practice law.  If you acquired ADD through the use of too much sugar, contact my office.  I am an attorney.  I can advise you in matters of jurisprudence.  If a legal proceeding is convened to determine your guilt or innocence, I will argue in your defense.  I am a law guy.  I am a lawyer man.  I do law.  ---  4/25/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Ladies, imagine Pac-man, with a three day shadow.  ---  4/3/2005

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Lets catch the bus that will make our dreams come true.  ---  11/02/1993

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Lets move beyond the typical "us vs. them" thinking to "the royal we vs. the proverbial they".  ---  11/29/2003

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Library signage from earlier, cruder times.  (1) "Please do not clean your fish on the scrolls."  (2) "Please do not commit murder in the library of Alexandria."  (3) "The scriptorium is not a vomitorium!"  (4) "These books are not toilet paper."  (5) "If you cannot read this sign, please ask for help."  ---  4/25/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Low brow, single syllable beers: Schlitz, Pabst, Strohs.  High brow, multiple syllable beers: Michelob, Heineken, Lowenbrau.  ---  6/4/2002

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Mallsoleum, the dead people at the mall.  ---  6/12/2005

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Marshall Loupe, male writer of women's erotica.  Let me tell you, being a male writer of women's erotica has not been an easy job.  It was Sigmund Freud who once asked, "What is it that women want?".  Who knows?  Here is a selection from my recent work:  "First he brought out the soup.  He knew that she liked it hot.  Steaming.  Even though he was only a manservant, she noticed the hundred dollar bills falling out of his pockets.  "What kind of soup is this?", she asked.  "Chocolate soup, just the way you like it, with plenty of whipped cream.", he whispered.  He arched his eyebrow at her.  She became flustered, her breathing rapid.  He took her pulse.  They both knew it was time."  ---  4/20/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Meat is murder.  Fur is murder.  Occasionally I eat a furburger.  ---  4/28/2005

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Mike's Speed Dating Poker.  Mike says, "Ladies, welcome to Mike's Speed Dating Poker.  These are the rules.  You will be dealt five cards face down.  You have five seconds to make your bet.  Whoever wins gets a date with me.  Let's begin by dealing the cards.  Okay, Susan, what is your bet?"  Susan says, "How can I bet if I can't see my cards?"  Mike says, "Sorry, Susan, your time is up.  Denise, what is your bet?"  Denise says, "I fold."  Mike says, "Denise folds.  Okay, Stacie, what is your bet?"  Stacie says, "I'm all in."  Mike says, "I'm all in too.  What have you got?"  Stacie says, "I don't know."  Mike says, "Turn your cards over."  Stacie says, "I have a pair."  Mike says, "You certainly do.  Let's go on a date."  ---  7/1/2005

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Monetize your angst.  Did you know that you could improve your financial situation if you would just decide to monetize your angst?  Convert your angst into a revenue stream.  Your angst is worth money.  Call today for a free brochure.  ---  7/2/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Money can't bring you happiness.  The things money can buy, however, CAN bring you happiness.  ---  01/07/1997

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Movie title: They Were Expendable.  My situation: I Am Deductible.  (I am not a writer, I am a write-off).  ---  4/23/2002

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  My dermatologist is forming a band with his colleagues called the Skin Doctors.  ---  10/30/2005

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  My favorite animal: flying fish.  ---  3/24/2000

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  My girlfriend asked me to talk dirty to her.  So I said, "The orphan girl was so poor she had to wear the unwashed clothes of homeless men."  ---  4/26/2001

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Name for a store: "The Thing Place".  ---  11/12/2003

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  New York City Diet Plan: small portions, high prices, lots of walking.  ---  7/1/2005

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  New, Extra! laundry detergent: the instructions say to use a cap full, but you really need to use a little extra.  ---  5/28/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  News item: Today police found a naked man in a bathtub half filled with water.  When asked what he was doing the man replied, "I was just taking a bath."  ---  6/8/2001

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Next stop: Toxi City, USA.  ---  8/31/2001

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Nicorette: white trash girl's name.  "Hey, Nicorette, go down to the convenience store and get me a carton of cigarettes!"  ---  5/8/2002

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Nightmare while dozing at a fast food joint...  Overheard at a Chicken-in-a-Bucket restaurant turned into a futuristic plastic surgery center:  "I'd like two legs, two breasts, and two wings."  "Anything else?"  "Make that three breasts."  "That'll be $9.95 please."  ---  6/28/2000

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Noam Chomsky is like Hegemony Cricket.  Seriously, read Noam Chomsky's book, "Understanding Power: The Indespensible Noam Chomsky".  ---  6/1/2007

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Not such a good book idea:  "Ten Years, Doing Nothing, Alone in a Hut in the Middle of Nowhere".  ---  4/8/2000

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Novel title, "They Also Serve Who Stand And Wait", a story about restaurant help.  ---  4/4/2005

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  One cowboy says, "What ever happened to that filly you were trying to break?"  The second cowboy says, "She gave me a good case of hoof and mouth disease."  ---  12/4/2005

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Open a greeting card and it says: "Because convention demands it".  ---  12/13/2003

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Owning a cactus is almost the same as owning a pet rock.  ---  8/26/1999

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Paradigm shift.  I once mistook people talking on their cell phones for people talking to themselves.  Today I mistook a person talking to themself for someone talking on their cellphone.  ---  9/17/2001

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Patriotic chefs keep the homefries burning.  ---  10/28/2001

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  People in glass houses can fart.  ---  3/3/2007

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  People Who Were Quietly Escorted Out of NASA's Mission Control.  //  (Scene One: Narrator standing in front of a shot of NASA Mission Control.)  Narrator says, "The American Space Program in the 1960's was a high point of human technological acheivement.  NASA's Mission Control was the center of America's space program.  The engineers in Mission Control were a buttoned down lot, capable of living in a veritable pressure cooker of stress.  However, not every engineer hired by NASA managed to cope with the situation.  Today, using rarely seen footage from the NASA archives, we salute "People Who Were Quietly Escorted Out of NASA's Mission Control" (music).  (Scene Two: Picture of a 1960's engineer sitting at a console at Mission Control, with slicked-down short hair, short sleeve button shirt and tie, pocket protector, and glasses held together with tape.)  The engineer, Norbert Von Neumann, says, "Yes, we have your oxygen level on track.  Affirmtive, your nitrogren level is stable.  Copy that, your hydrogen level is a go.  And your carbon dioxide level is, JEEPERS FREAKIN CHRISTMAS LOOK AT THE FREAKIN CARBON DIOXIDE LEVELS!!!  What?  What did I do wrong?  Who are those guys with the guns?"  (Scene Three: Picture of another 1960's engineer sitting at a console at Mission Control.)  The engineer, Alvin Turingson, says, "Roger, your coordiates compute.  Wilco, we have you on screen for the docking procedure, and, HOLY SHEESTER, LOOK AT HOW CLOSE THAT FRIGGIN ASTEROID WAS!  FUG, THAT WAS CLOSE!!  Huh?  What do you mean?  Would you please take your hands off me?  I have a PhD, you know."  (Scene Four) Narrator says, "Norbert Von Neumann and Alvin Turingson were just two of the many capable engineers who, at the critical moment, unraveled like a spool of cheap fishing line.  Today, Norbert works in janitorial services and Alvin entertains the severely comatose.  Gentlemen, we salute you.  You were "People Who Were Quietly Escorted Out of NASA's Mission Control."  ---  4/11/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  People whose conversation consists only of catch phrases from television game shows.  "Things you do when you are happy.", ($20,000 Pyramid).  "What is, you are happy.", (Jeopardy).  "He was so blank that he touched her blank with his blank.", (Match game).  ---  1/15/2005

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Personal ad.  Writer in search of cafe'.  I was with my last cafe' for about four years.  I still like my old cafe', but I just don't feel the same way about it anymore.  A lot of the initial excitement is gone.  I'm looking for a new cafe'.  Hopefully, it will be a cafe' that will let me be me, and that develops as I develop.  ---  4/30/2007

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Pet romance.  She rebuffed him cattily, but he pursued her doggedly.  ---  11/16/2004

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Picking up women at the supermarket.  //  Oh, hello.  I didn't see you shopping there.  Wow, that's a lot of food.  Your cart is full to the top.  Are really going to eat all that?  Oh, you have a refrigerator and a freezer.  Yeah, I know all about those things.  Did you happen to see where is the dented can section?  Many of the dented cans are still good, you just have to smell when you open them.  Did you know that you don't need to cook instant rice?  Its precooked.  You can just let it sit in tepid water for an hour.  What's that?  You have to run?  Well, lets agree to meet later on.  How about a rain check?  ---  4/30/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Piss and vinegar flavored potato chips.  ---  8/8/2001

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Piss is beer spelled backwards.  ---  11/23/2004

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Poor tour for the rich.  The rich feel guilty for being rich, and for being ignorant of the life that the poor live.  I will arrange supervised tours where rich people will live the life of the poor for a week or so.  First they will put on rags and get all dirty and hungry.  Then they will beg in the streets.  Eat from dumpsters.  Then they will be arrested and spend a night in jail.  Also they will spend a night in a homeless shelter and a mental ward too.  Of course it will all be not real, and completely supervised and safe.  ---  12/30/1996

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Portnoy was determined to find out what type of man he would become if he decided to read only New Yorker cartoons.  (Drawing of a boy reading a magazine).  ---  10/25/2001

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Post-Madonna-ism.  ---  12/2/2001

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Premise for a book called "What Time Is It?"  This book is about my journey across America asking people what time it is.  Its a story about the wacky answers (ex. "11:57" and "3:05") and not so wacky answers (ex. "2:10" and "4:48") of the American people.  ---  11/2/2001

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Punchline from a WWII joke: Then Churchill says to Rommel, "Go fox yourself".  ---  11/6/2003

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Q. If you were a deodorant would you be a roll-on or an aerosol?  A. Don't be an aerosol!  ---  6/20/2000

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Reporter says, "Please tell us the idea for your new invention."  Inventor says, "My idea is to turn an ear of corn into a telephone."  Journalist says, "Can you tell us how far you've gotten?"  Inventor says, "I have the ear of corn.  Hello?  I cannot hear you.  Can you hear me?  Hello?"  ---  3/8/2007

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Restaurant advice: Instead of picking a menu item, let the menu item pick you.  ---  10/25/2001

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Ribley's Believe It or No.  Believe it or no, while most people work scams and rackets for money, Paul Nervy risks poverty by studying philosophy.  ---  5/18/2002

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Romantic idea: He bought edible underpants for his girlfriend.  Romantic mistake: He served edible underpants on china with silverware to his girlfriend.  ---  8/3/2001

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Scene 1: The boardroom of a major corporation.  The critic stands up and says, "No, man.  Don't you see?  The corporation is an abuse of power that exploits the worker and the  environment!  (Stunned silence)  I'm out of here."  Scene 2: The boardroom of a progressive non-profit .  The critic stands up and says, "No, man.  Don't you see?  This non-profit is an inefficient use of resources!  (Stunned silence)  I'm out of here."  Scene 3: The hobo jungle.  The critic stands up and says, "No, man.  Don't you see?  The hobo jungle is just another way of avoiding the real issues.  (Stunned silence)  I'm out of here."  Scene 4: The critic talking to himself in wilderness.  "No, man.  Don't you see?  The wilderness is just an empty void.  (Stunned silence)  I'm out of here."  ---  5/10/2005

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Scientists have discovered the brain chemical that produces the emotion of romantic melodrama.  The chemical is produced by what is being called the "Wuthering Heights" gene.  ---  7/1/2005

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Senior Wascomat.  ---  2/15/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  She asked, "Do these boots have a steel shank in them?"  He said, "No, they have a plastic shiv in them."  ---  10/16/2005

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  She gave him the Einstein kiss-off: she told him she needed more time and space.  ---  5/13/2004

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  She says, "Honey, you have blueberry on your cheek."  He says, "What do you mean?"  She says, "Look in the mirror.  You have blueberry on your cheek."  He looks in the mirror and sees the word "blueberry" on his cheek.  He says, "You're right.  I do have blueberry on my cheek."  ---  9/12/2005

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  She says, "Who wears the pants in your relationship?"  He says, "We both wear skirts."  ---  5/14/2007

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  She took vitamin B-18 because she wanted to be eighteen again.  ---  12/22/2000

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  She was so cold she was voted "Miss New England Winter".  ---  1/22/2000

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  She wasn't very literate.  When she picked up a book she would look at the back cover to see if it said "Hallmurk".  ---  5/8/2002

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Sitcom: Life with Wittgenstein.  //  Setting: in a suburban dining room, a family sits down to dinner.  Husband says, "I thought it might be nice to invite one of the philosophy faculty to dinner (canned chuckle).  Mr Wittgenstein should be here any minute."  (There is a knock on the door)  Husband says, "That is probably him now.", and opens the door.  (Wittgenstein makes his entrance with verve.  Much canned laughter)  Wife says, "Welcome, Mr Wittgenstein, its a pleasure to meet you.  We're having roast beef with all the trimmings."  Wittgenstein says, "I don't care what I eat, as long as its the same thing every meal.  I'll have a cheese sandwich."  (Uproarious canned laughter).  Child says, "Hello, Mr. Wigginson.  That's a funny name."  Wittgenstein says, "You can call me Vicky."  Child says, "Okay, Vicky."  (Huge canned laughter).  Other child says, "Vicky, looks at my talking lion doll."  Wittgenstein says, "If a lion could talk, we would certainly not understand what it was saying."  (Nonstop canned laughter).  Wife says, "Perhaps Mr. Wittgenstein would like to stay for a week or two.  Who knows the fun we could have."  Wittgenstein says, "I shall spend most of the day in my room doing philosophy.  In the evening, I will take a brisk walk in the park where, if time allows, I will indulge in my favorite past time of id-play, followed by ranting outbursts of anger, anxiety, and depression."  (Hysterical canned laughter).  Musical outro.  ---  7/16/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Slogan for a local fast food restaurant: "Its Gross, but its Close".  ---  1/3/2004

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Sports event: the six man casket toss.  ---  12/23/2002

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Start a fashion company named "Class Action".  When someone asks you what you are wearing say, "I'm in a Class Action suit."  ---  11/28/2005

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Steve says, "Professor, I am entranced by my girlfriend's ass.  Can you tell me why is that?"  Professor says, "Steve, interactions between humans and animals is not my area of expertise."  Steve says, "No, I mean, her butt.  I'm entranced by my girlfriends butt."  The professor says, "Well, why didn't you say so?  We can easily answer that question.  Let's do an experiment, with her consent, of course.  Let's put a marker on each of her ass cheeks, have her walk down the hall, and then see what the computer says."  Steve says, "Its okay with me if its okay with her."  The professor says, "Now, Steve, what is the first thing you notice about your girlfriend's butt when you watch her walk?"  Steve says, "Her butt moves back and forth from left to right."  The professor says, "Correct.  However, when you factor in the up and down motion of her steps, what does it produce?"  Steve says, "It creates a circular motion.  However, that still does not tell me why I find her ass so compelling."  The professor says, "That's where the computer will help us.  You see, as your girlfriend walks away from you, something happens to those circles.  Watch the computer screen."  Steve says, "I see, the circles are receeding, actually becoming smaller in size, like a spinning spiral."  The professor says, "Precisely.  That spiraling motion captures your attention, much like a hypnotists spiral does."  Steve says, "Neat.  I never saw it that way before."  The professor says, "When you apply science, even the most intractable problems can be solved, and you can quickly get to the bottom of things."  Steve says, "The bottom of things.  Very funny, professor."  ---  2/4/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Stu was the child of a soccer mom and a NASCAR dad, so he was able to kick a ball, but only in a circle.  ---  2/15/2005

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Sullen and sulky.  It sounds like a business partnership.  ---  4/19/2000

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Suppose this.  Suppose that.  Let me give you another suppository.  Suppose the other thing.  ---  2/6/2004

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Take that idea off the shelf and put it on the table.  Now put it on the stove.  Put it on the front burner.  Put it on the back burner.  Now put it back on the table.  Now put it back on the shelf.  ---  2/27/2005

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Television show titled "Bob the Teen Alien Philosopher.  (Musical intro).  Scene one: the Malt Shop.  Bob and his friends are sitting at a table outside.  A jerk rides up and makes a nasty comment to one of the girls.  Bob says, "Your foot is in your mouth, which is in your head, which is in your ass."  The jerk says, "What did he just say?"  The others say, "Never mind Bob.  He's a teen.  And he's an alien.  And he's a philosopher."  The jerk says, "He better be.", and rides away.  The girl says, "Bob, your the best."  The next girl says, "Yeah, the best teen alien philosopher."  (Musical outro).  ---  11/19/2005

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Television.  I know I can become a historical figure if only they can get David McCollough to narrate my morning regimen, and then play that over folk music while showing still photos of the front of my house.  ---  6/20/2001

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Television.  The Candid Kamera Show.  "We thought it would be funny to sedate someone's dog and then tell that person that their dog was killed in an auto accident.  Here's what happened..."  ---  6/20/2001

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Television's new fall line-up.  8:00 pm, Touched in the Head by an Angel.  9:00 pm, Diagnosis Boredom.  10:00 pm, Murder She Looked.  ---  4/6/2001

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  The ancient king Typos.  He was prone to spelling mistakes.  ---  4/29/2000

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  The author of the book "Four weeks to optimal health" has written a sequel entitled "Five weeks to sudden, inexplicable death".  ---  7/21/1998

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  The business consultant told me that a good way to market my business was to do a focus group.  What is a focus group?  He said a focus group is when you pay a half-dozen people a hundred dollars each to get together and talk about your product for an hour.  Sounds interesting, I said.  Later that evening I called an escort service and told them to send over a half-dozen call girls for an hour.  We talked business intermittently.  ---  10/25/2000

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  The cafe' is pleased to announce several new sizes of coffee:  Majestic.  Gigantor.  Everest.  Oceania.  Jag.   Meth.  Mania.  ---  1/6/2002

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  The dirtiest phrase in computing: hot pluggable hard drive.  ---  11/8/2004

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  The doctor asks, "What type of contraception are you and your wife using?"  The husband answers, "We use withdrawal; she goes to her bedroom and I go to mine."  ---  11/7/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  The Endless Page: My Journey Writing My Book about My Thru-Hike of the Appalachian Trail.  By Jon Epstein  //  Foreword: My thru-hike of the Appalachian Trail was a 2000 mile fest of bugs and blisters.  After the thru-hike an even greater challenge awaited me, the writing of my requisite AT Thru-Hike Story.  This is the story of the writing of that story.  //  Day 1: I am brimming with enthusiasm as I embark on my AT thru-hike story writing adventure.  //  Day 5.  Already the days are becoming a blur of reams of paper, typewriter ribbons and cups of coffee.  //  Day 21.  At times I don't know how I will ever finish writing my AT thru-hike story.  It seems like it will never end.  //  Day 64.  Writers cramp!  My doctors tell me to slow down and take a rest day, but I can't stop now.  //  Day 128.  Hooray, I finally finished writing my AT thru-hike story!  The book has been accepted by a small vanity publisher and it will soon be on the shelves of local outdoor gear shops.  ---  6/7/2005

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  The even lighter side of Abraham Lincoln.  //  An aide knocks on President Lincoln's office door.  Lincoln says, "Yes."  The aide says, "President Lincoln, I have your schedule for the day."  Lincoln says, "Forgive me, Jones, if I lack enthusiasm.  I am depressed."  The aide says, "What are you depressed about, Mr. President?"  Lincoln says, "I am depressed because I am gay."  The aide says, "Excuse me, Mr. President, but how can you be depressed if you are gay?  And how can you be gay if you are depressed?"  Lincoln says, "You are right.  It is a logical impossibility.  Thank you, Jones.  I am happy.  What is the first thing on today's schedule?"  The aide says, "You have 250,000 condolence letters to write."  Lincoln says, "I am depressed again."  ---  3/18/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  The first sailor says, "I'm interested in navigation."  The second sailor says, "Have you ever worked with a sextant?"  The first sailor says, "You mean a prostitute?"  The second sailor says, "No, I mean shooting the stars."  The first sailor says, "No, I'm not a stalker."  ---  10/15/2004

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  The guys were standing at the bar talking about women.  "Tell us about her.", they said to Pablo.  "Tell us what she looked like.  Tell us about her breasts."  Pablo looked up thoughtfully and said, "Well, she was a wide breasted woman."  "You mean she had big tits, like two hot air balloons?", they asked.  "No, I mean her breasts were set wide apart on her chest, rather than narrow.", said Pablo.  They looked at him quizzically.  "And", Pablo continued, "She was a high breasted woman."  Their looks grew more confused.  "You mean her tits stuck out like two torpedoes?"  "No.", Pablo shook his head and waved his hands, "I mean her breasts were set high on her chest, rather than low."  The workers looked amongst themselves.  "Yes", Pablo said thoughtfully, "She was definitely a wide breasted, high breasted woman."  The workers were quiet for a moment and then said, "Tell us more."  Pablo said, "Okay, one more non-alcoholic beer and then I have to get back to the bra factory."  ---  9/12/2005

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  The issue has become a situation.  ---  7/25/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  The last line of every novel I ever wrote: I walked out of the house and she yelled after me, "This relationship was never about anything except coffee anyway!"  ---  7/25/2001

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  The lighter side of Abraham Lincoln.  When not in one of his frequent, deep depressions, Abraham Lincoln could display a refreshing candor that could render his interlocutors speechless.  It is widely reported that when he was asked how long a man's legs should be, Lincoln replied, "Long enough to reach the ground."  Less widely known is that when the next reporter asked him how long a woman's legs should be, Lincoln replied, "Long enough to reach her ass."  When a third reporter asked him for any advice, Lincoln replied, "My advice for legs is: keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the ass."  A fourth reporter asked if he could quote the president on that, and Lincoln replied, "You can go f*ck yourself."  No, wait, it was Cheney, not Lincoln, who said, "Go f*ck yourself."  ---  11/19/2005

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  The Lumberjack Food Critic.  Today I went to Dinar's Diner for breakfast and had the lumberjack breakfast.  It was three eggs, toast, hash browns, sausage, bacon, ham, orange juice, grapefruit juice and coffee; and it was delicious.  For lunch I went to  Wanly's Lunch Counter and had the special.  It was steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, a salad, and for desert, apple pie.  I thought for one second that the green beans were a little bit undercooked, but I decided they were fine.  For dinner I went to the Food Shack and had a terrible dining experience.  The roast chicken was so small I could barely see it.  And haven't they ever heard of putting some bread on the table?  And what about free coffee refills?  It was a very disappointing meal.  In tomorrow's column I will review The Pancake Hut, the Fryolater and the Greasy Spork.  Until then, good eating.  ---  12/14/2004

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  The Millsborough dough dude was found dead today, after being accidentally put in an oven with a tray of cinnamon buns.  His partially eaten body was found next to a half empty glass of milk.  Police have ruled out foul play.  ---  5/30/1996

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  The New York Museum of Sex.  "They took all the sex and put it in a sex museum.  Then they charged the people eighteen bucks just to see 'em."  (To paraphrase Joni Mitchell).  ---  6/19/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  The Night Reader.  He's out there!  Awake.  Turning pages.  Beware the Night Reader!  ---  10/16/1999

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  The other seven dwarves: Cheezy, Sleazy, Skanky, Raunchy, Skeevy, Horny and Nasty.  ---  7/25/2000

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  The prosecutor leans into the witness stand and asks the outlaw goon, "When did you stop beating your wife?"  The outlaw goon cries out, "Your honor, that is a trick question!"  The judge replies, "Answer it."  The outlaw goon says, "I never stopped beating my wife."  ---  7/24/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  The protesters agreed to meet at the Park and Riot.  ---  10/16/2005

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  The residents of the Old Sailors Home voted against replacing their old, creaky, wooden chairs with new metal chairs.  ---  5/1/2005

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  The school's philosophy department made every Friday "Causal Friday".  ---  2/24/2002

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  The Seven Bridges Problem.  How to get off your island now that you have burned all seven of your bridges?  ---  7/1/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  The Solarium.  //  He said, "This is my solarium.  Even in the winter, it is quite warm in here.  Wind and snow have no effect when I am sunbathing."  She said, "Very impressive."  He said, "Would you like to listen to some music?"  She said, "Certainly."  He reached out and pushed a button.  Music filled the air.  He said, "Its a multi-speaker sound system."  She said, "Must have cost a fortune."  He said, "Would you like a cigarette?"  She said, "In a solarium?"  He said, "I'm actually trying to quit, I've almost stopped completely."  He pushed the cigarette lighter and lit up.  He said, exhaling smoke, "You know, not many people are able to say that they have a solarium."  She said, "Isn't it kind of cramped in here?"  He said, "Two's company, three's a crowd.  Beautiful day isn't it?  Bright, clear, crisp."  She said, "The sun is starting to move out of view."  He said, "Here, let me re-park.  I have to re-park the car every so often to keep it facing the sunlight.  Luckily, there is plenty of room in this parking lot."  She said, "Yah.  Nice spot for a solarium."  ---  1/26/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  The sports drink Crock-ade has food scientists busy determining how many flavors of blue exist.  ---  2/28/2004

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  The State of the Union Address in the year 2020.  The president of the United States appears, looking like a blend of Charlie Chaplin's Tramp and WC Fields.  He has stubble on his chin, a cigar stub in his mouth, a flask in his pocket, and looks shabby and unkempt.  He takes our a folded, wrinkled piece of paper and unfolds it and smooths it out.  He starts his speech.  "My daughter says that without petrochemical-based shampoo, her hair gets oily.  I said, "Oil?  Where?  Can you squeeze a drop into my gas tank?"  But seriously, folks.  A China man and an India man walk into a bar.  The bartender says, "Where is the man from the United States?"  The China man says, "The man from the United States could not afford to join us for a drink."  Just kidding.  Pardon my appearance, the American public said they did not want to pay any taxes, so I haven't gotten a pay check recently.  Alright, let's see, the State of the Union is foggy and listless.  ---  1/7/2007

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  The Story of Myth.  Bill Mayers says "Hello, I'm Bill Mayers, and this is part seven of a twenty two part conversation with Joseph Campbull.  For the next hour we will continue our talk about The Story of Myth.  Welcome Joseph Campbull."  Joseph Campbull says "Welcome, hello."  Bill Mayers says, "Joseph, explain it to me one more time, what is the myth about?"  Jospeh Campbull says, "The myth is about a hero on a journey to slay a monster and get a treasure."  Bill Mayers says, "Now, here is where I get confused.  The hero is the journey?"  Jospeh Campbull says, "No, the hero is on a journey."  Bill Mayers says, "The journey is the myth?"  Jospeh Campbull says, "No, the journey is part of the myth."  Bill Mayers says, "You mean, the treasure is the hero?"  Jospeh Campbull says, "No.  Look, why won't you understand?  I'm speaking clearly and distinctly.  We've been here seven hours already."  Bill Mayers says, "Let me see if I have this right.  The pellet with the poison is in the vestle with the pestle."  Jospeh Campbull says, "No, now your doing Danny Kaye."  Bill Mayers says, "Who's on first?"  Jospeh Campbull says, "Come again?"  Bill Mayers says, "I certainly will, next episode."  Jospeh Campbull says, "Pardon?"  Bill Mayers says, "What?"  Jospeh Campbull says, "Pardon or what, its the same thing."  Bill Mayers says, "We will be right back with more Story of Myth after this station break."  ---  9/12/2005

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  The toady says, "He's a raving maniac, sir."  The CEO says, "Yes, he's exactly the sort of raving maniac this company needs."  ---  3/31/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  The typesetter named his daughter Arial and his son Times New Roman.  ---  6/24/2002

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  The typical American has two kids named Febreze and Nicorette.  ---  11/15/2005

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  The waitress said, "The specials today are roast lamb and shepard pie."  I said, "What the hell happened in that meadow?"  ---  7/11/1998

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  The World's First Professional Food Critic.  Writing from the Bastille in France during the French Revolution.  "Well, it was bread and water again today.  I detect that the bread has a little more sawdust in it today than it usually does.  Perhaps the farmers are in revolt and thus grain is in scarce supply.  Also, the water had a slightly tannic flavor, perhaps due to the presence of leaves in the water supply, which would indicate that the season of autumn is approaching.  Wait, there is a knock on the door.  I am free.  I have been freed by a throng of revolutionaries.  They have brought some wine and cheese.  Its a Burgundy and a Camembert.  The cheese does not really go with the bread or the wine, but that is okay.  Then entire country is in turmoil.  The wine is quite good though, actually.  And, um, one second, oh that is good, yes what was I saying was, the situation here is quite delicious.  I look forward to tomorrow's meal.  Au revoir.  ---  8/13/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  The youngster says, "What is old age like?"  The oldster says, "Depends."  ---  7/25/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Their family portrait was titled "There are ten mistakes in this picture; can you find them?"  ---  5/21/2000

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Then there was the doctor whose advice was either, "Your socks are too loose.", "Your socks are too tight.", "Take your shoes off.", or "Get a pair of sensible shoes."  ---  8/20/2004

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Then there was the female impersonator who defined drag as, "The art of the passable".  ---  5/12/2005

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Then there were two bourgeoisie pigs who decided to work themselves up into a state of calm self-satisfaction.  ---  3/20/2007

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  There was a slippery slope on the garden path.  ---  10/16/2005

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  There was once a medieval torture called "The Floss".  The victim's index fingers were wound with a thin, waxed twine, which was then pulled tight until the fingertips turned blue.  ---  4/12/1999

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  They accuse me of being bitter; I say that is a matter of taste.  ---  11/20/2003

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  They call me Krazy Glue because I get hard in a minute.  ---  8/18/2000

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  They said there was safety in numbers.  So I became a bookie.  ---  10/25/2000

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Things bullies wish they had said at breakfast, "Sometimes you have to crack a few heads to make an omelette."  ---  10/8/2003

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Things couples of the future may say: "Flip you for the strap-on".  ---  6/26/2002

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Things I would like to see: Sylvester the Cat giving a book report about the book "Consilience".  ---  8/31/2001

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Things insurance actuarials think when they sit at their desks, "I'm cheating death!"  ---  10/28/2001

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Things not to say in defense of your PhD thesis: "I guess what I'm really trying to say is, I need a hug."  ---  10/12/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Things that happen when a generation of hippies become middle aged marketing executives: A breakfast cereal called "Cranberry Sunshine".  Announcement at the Woodstock festival in the year 2020: "People, do not eat the Cranberry Sunshine.  Someone put too much flaxseed in it and it may cause the portasans to overflow."  ---  4/15/2005

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Things to order in a coffee bar: "I would like a tall skinny blonde, please."  ---  4/18/2007

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Things to say at a conference podium: "If you will just bear with me (raise arms and growl like a bear), we will continue in a moment".  ---  11/15/2000

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Things to say at an astronomy club star party, "Is that your finder scope or are you just happy to see me?"  ---  10/8/2004

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Things to say in a foreign language.  "Hello.  How are you?  I am learning (name of language) on cdrom.  I gave the cat a bowl of milk."  ---  11/28/2005

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Things to say in response to the obvious: "Do gypsies know how to camp?"  ---  10/12/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Things to say into an apartment lobby speakerphone.  "I'd like a double cheese burger, fries and a large cola."  ---  11/11/1998

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Things to say to your boss.  "I want you to know that even though I did not get a 5% annual raise, I am still going to give 95% to this job."  ---  1/15/2005

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Things to say when leaving: "Huevos rancheros, my friend!".  (i.e., Ranch style eggs!).  ---  4/23/2002

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Things to say when you are dunking a tea bag, "Confess!  Confess!"  ---  10/31/2004

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Things to say when you go through a revolving door: "See you in the next dimension!"  ---  11/23/2000

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Things to say when you leave.  Instead of saying "Stay strong", say, "Stay sensitive.  Don't get calloused or jaded.  Don't let the system turn you into a fascist."  ---  1/16/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Things to shout at a protest rally: "One, three, five, seven, the next prime number is eleven!"  ---  9/1/2004

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Things your subconscious might say: "He thinks he runs the show, but I run the show.  I'm in charge.  I call the shots.  Nobody tells the subconscious what to do.  Nobody notices me.  I'm here 24x7.  No thanks I get.  Only blame.  Everybody's down on the subconscious.  Hey, look at me, I'm your subconscious.  What do I have to do to get some attention?  Hey, buddy, its your subconscious!"  ---  4/25/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  This is your mind.  This is your mind on drugs.  This is your mind on drugs with a side of hash browns and a small orange juice.  ---  7/18/1998

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  This summer was hot.  My apartment was the functional equivalent of an Easy Bake Oven.  ---  8/2/1999

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  This summer's weather forecast: hazy, hot and horny.  ---  8/5/2001

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Title: Three Yen Stories.  Introduction: The ancient mystical practice of Yen continues to attract adherents even today.  Here are three stories that convey the timeless, inexpressible truths of Yen.     STORY ONE.  The Yen monk Xran taught his disciples for a year but still they made no progress.  One day, Xran gathered his disciples around.  "I shall predict the moment of my passing", said Xran.  His disciples asked, "When will that be?"  "Right now", said Xran, producing a gun and shooting himself in the head.  Suddenly the disciples became enlightened.     STORY TWO.  There was a Yen sage named Yano who had a history of poor job performance.  Eventually, he became a beggar and attracted followers who formed into a group of traveling mendicants.  When one of them fell ill, Yano said, "Better to use the emperor's medicine than let even this poor holy man die".  So one of the mendicants was picked to enter the royal pharmacy that night.  The mendicant was caught and hung on the spot.  The sick man died shortly thereafter.  The grieving followers confronted Yano who could only say, "I guess, this too is Yen."  Suddenly his followers became enlightened.     STORY THREE.  A clever Yen monk named Zned came upon a hut where a couple lived.  "Greetings!  I have a message.  The Yen master wants to see you.", said Zned to the husband.  So the husband began the day-long journey to the Yen temple while Zned remained at the hut.  The next day, the husband reached the temple.  The Yen master stood solemnly on the doorstep and said to the husband, "I sent for who?"  Suddenly the husband became enlightened.  Upon his return the husband exclaimed to Zned, "You were clever to have me visit the Yen master!"  "No!  I am clever because I slept with your wife!", Zned said, walking away smiling.  Suddenly the wife became enlightened.  ---  4/4/2001

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  To her I was just a piece of meat who brought home the bacon, which I think is why she called me a pig.  ---  6/1/2002

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Tripartite business plan thesis by Peter Smith, philosophy undergraduate pursuing a masters in business administration.  The first part of the business plan is to open a Philosophy Shoppe.  If the shoppe does well it can be franchised.  The second part of the business plan is to set up philosophy vending machines at key locations in the city.  The vending machines will dispense philosophy at a reasonable price.  People who don't have time to visit the philosophy shoppe can use the vending machines.  The third part of the business plan is to build an MPU, or Mobile Philosophy Unit.  The MPU will consist of a vehicle and crew specially trained to respond to philosophical emergencies.  People experiencing a philosophical crisis can call a philosophy emergency hot line and the MPU will respond.  A break even analysis shows that it is cost effective for society to implement a comprehensive philosophical response strategy.  ---  2/1/2005

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Two cross dressers were arrested at the drag races.  The police report said they were racing for pink slips.  ---  7/24/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Urban fragrances: Homeless.  Urban fragrances: Bus.  ---  7/17/1999

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Urban legends.  The old shut-in, living in a small studio apartment, suffocated when take-out menus that were slid under the door accumulated to the point where they filled up the apartment completely.  ---  3/25/1999

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  VAPID magazine.  Celebrity interviews.  Glossy photos.  Full-page advertisements.  All catering to your VAPID lifestyle.  Every month we will send you the same magazine with a different date on it.  Maintain your VAPID attitude with VAPID magazine.  ---  12/21/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  We were so poor we used to go to the cafe' to sit and smell the food being brought to other tables.  ---  10/20/2005

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Welcome back to WBLA talk radio.  We are in our second hour of discussing, "Yogurt, blended or fruit on the bottom?"  Let's read some of the many e-mails we've received on this topic.  "Dear Mike, how the heck can you do a show about blended yogurt with the world in the condition that it is?"  Okay, that listener was obviously a fruit on the bottom yogurt fan.  Next email.  "WBLA your segment about fruit on the bottom yogurt is a new low even for a station of limited capability like yours."  Now we are hearing from the other side of the aisle.  Third e-mail says, "I could not care less about blended or fruit on the bottom yogurt".  So you can see that even the undecideds have strong opinions on this issue.  Stay tuned as the Yogurt Marathon continues.  ---  5/5/2005

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  What a nice couple.  She was curator of an exhibit called "Dustballs and Tumbleweeds" at the Museum of the Extraordinarily Dull and Excrutiatingly Boring.  He held a chair and a table at the community university cafeteria.  ---  9/5/2005

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  What do you get when you cross Burger King with Dairy Queen?  Jack in the Box.  ---  8/12/2000

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  What hath goth wrought?  A complete meth.  ---  2/21/2004

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  What is your favorite drink?  Prune Tang.  ---  5/30/2005

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  What kind of car do you drive?  I drive a Pinata.  ---  9/17/2001

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  What nationality am I?  I am half Eskimo and half Bedouin.  In the winter I am an Eskimo.  In the summer I am a Bedouin.  ---  6/19/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  What nationality am I?  I am two thirds delicatessen.  ---  04/01/1988

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  What size shirt do you wear?  Extra medium.  ---  9/20/2003

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  What the future holds: increasingly literate signs displayed by the homeless as more and more English majors become unemployed.  For example: "I, too, am homeless."  "Were it not for homelessness."  "Homelessness does not bespeak me."  ---  7/1/2005

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  When asked why he spent ten years in his apartment the recluse said "Its my alibi."  ---  7/31/2001

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  When I asked her where she learned to make love so well, she said at university.  I said, The Sore Bone?  ---  4/3/2005

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  When I was a kid I was not afraid of a monster under the bed.  I was concerned about a bear in the den.  ---  4/27/2005

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  When politicians take office they should be forced to take a Hypocritical Oath.  ---  11/19/2001

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  When the menu describes a dish as savory, watch out.  Savory means it will taste like cardboard.  When they can't call it sweet, or spicy, or creamy, or crunchy, they call it savory.  ---  09/26/1997

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Where do cows go on Saturday night?  To the moovies.  Where do sheep go?  To a baahhh.  ---  11/12/2004

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Why do I like thinking?  Perhaps because I want to be a thin king?  ---  11/25/2001

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Why was the game Monopoly unpopular in the Soviet Union?  Because on the Soviet board every other square was "Gulag".  ---  9/5/2004

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Why was the Soviet Union chess championship a draw?  Because both players defected on the first move.  ---  9/5/2004

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Winner of the Jack Kerouac writing contest.  //  That evening, I was feeling a little low, so I went to the jazz club.  There, someone invited me outside to smoke a funny cigarette.  Inside the club, I started grooving to the jazz.  That jazz band could play.  I started feeling expansive, like the entire world was one big jazz club, and every person in the world was a part of the band, and every person could just skee bop da boop along.  Then I started thinking about pie and ice cream.  All over AMERICA people are eating PIE and ICE CREAM.  Taking big bites of pie and following it up with cool creamy ice cream.  People shouting out, "Hey, waitress, bring us more pie and ice cream!"  Then I started drinking beer.  I got pretty drunk.  I wasn't hungry anymore, but I did start getting loud and obnoxious.  I got into a nasty argument about pie.  A chair fight broke out.  Then I went outside.  I saw a dead possum in the road.  I started crying.  Then I fell asleep on the grass.  The next morning I woke up and the sun was shining and I felt happy again.  Its all going to be okay.  People were going to work.  Working all day long.  I thought about those working people.  It might be a little boring, here and there.  But after work, you can go to the club.  ---  4/25/2006

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  You enter the party wearing a large top-hat, cape and cane.  Everyone smiles with delight at your style.  You remove the hat, unaware that you have a rabbit perched on your head.  You proceed to make polite conversation with the bewildered party guests.  ---  11/26/2000

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  You may be a bully if someone calls you a fascist and you take it as a compliment.  ---  10/12/2003

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  You offended my sense of truth and justice.  Now, I'm gonna get renaissance on your ass.  ---  6/22/2004

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Your cottage cheese thighs are just an appetizer.  ---  8/26/2001

Arts, literature, comedy, joke.  ---  Your Own Private Idaho Magazine.  Learn the best spots to build your own private Idaho.  Learn how to decorate your own private Idaho.  Tips on entertaining in your own private Idaho.  Learn how to finance your own private Idaho.  ---  3/25/2006