Paul Nervy Notes
“Jokes, poems, stories, and a lot of philosophy, psychology, and sociology.”

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Sociology, friends.  ---  .This section is about friends.  Topics include: ( ) Friends.  ( ) Enemies.  ( ) Acquaintances.  ( ) Strangers.  ---  1/24/2006

Sociology, friends.  ---  .This section should be called "Friends, neutrals, enemies, strangers, acquaintances, etc.  ---  11/15/2001

Sociology, friends.  ---  (1) Emotional friends and foes.  Personality conflict vs. emotional attraction.  (2) Ideological friends or foes.  Agree or differ on principles or ideas.  ---  04/24/1997

Sociology, friends.  ---  (1) Everyone is my friend.  (A) Met and unmet.  (B) Anyone I haven't fought with.  (C) Any one I agree with.  (D) Any one who has helped me.  (2) No one is my friend.  ---  12/30/1992

Sociology, friends.  ---  (1) Friend, lover, spouse.  Friends and lovers are healthy to have.  What are they?  How to get them?  And why do I have none?  (2) Friend, lover, spouse.  One does not necessitate or eliminate the other.  (3) What does a person consider what activities makes you a friend, lover, or spouse?  Social interaction based on (A) Proximity (neighbors, work friends).  (B) Past history (old friends).  (C) Physical attraction.  (D) Blood relations (relatives).  (E) Values, ideals and ethical views.  (F) Metaphysical and epistemological views.  (G) Interests (leisure friends).  (H) Attitudes.  (I) Personality (optimism vs. pessimism, communication style).  (J) Loser quotient (social standing relative to you).  (K) How much free time and money you have.  (4) (A) Talk.  Small talk and bull shit (shallow) vs. talk about life and philosophy (deep).  Talk about personal life and secrets.  (B) Action.  Sharing work activities.  Sharing leisure activities.  Helping each other in times of trouble.  Sharing the good times.  Sex.  ---  03/31/1997

Sociology, friends.  ---  (1) Friends are tough to find and keep.  (2) Maintenance of friends takes up a lot of time and energy.  (3) They can betray you.  (4) They can be a disappointment.  (5) They can be needy.  You end up helping them all the time, and they don't help you at all.  (6) Despite all of the above negatives, we need friends.  Social relationships help prevent us from going haywire.  But building a social network is a pain in the neck.  ---  7/10/1998

Sociology, friends.  ---  (1) Friends ideals.  (A) Positive, growthful.  (B) Willing to give and desiring interaction.  (2) Friends problems.  (A) Too needy vs. see too often.  (B) Never see, never talk, never listen.  (C) Give too much vs. not give enough.  (D) Sharing only problems with them, and never joys.  ---  12/30/1992

Sociology, friends.  ---  (1) Friendship is a rare phenomenon, and thus not worth studying.  (2) Acquaintance-ship is a much more common phenomenon and should be studied more.  Acquaintance-ship is when:  (A) You don't know who they are very well.  (B) You don't agree with them much.  (C) You don't ask a lot of them.  ---  4/15/2002

Sociology, friends.  ---  (1) Friendship maintenance.  One hour a week is too much.  One hour a month is ok.  Ten minute call each week?  (2) Do not expect deep thoughts or confessional revelations from them.  ---  12/26/1997

Sociology, friends.  ---  (1) Good friends (and girlfriend, and job) enrich your life, broaden your mind, and increase your health.  (2) Having no friends results in a tough life, with no anchors.  (3) Bad friends can ruin your life, and ruin your mental health.  (4) Getting good friends is crucial to survival.  Work hard at it.  ---  10/05/1997

Sociology, friends.  ---  (1) It is tough to live alone.  It is easier to go nuts without good friends.  Bad friends can drive you nuts too.  (2) Get a social network.  (3) How to quickly make good friends (long term and trusting)?  Where go, what say?  (4) So difficult to find someone to talk to, let alone talk deeply, let alone agree.  To be able to talk to them, and also to want to talk to them.  (5) On what basis to make friends?  Politics?  Social status?  Sexual attraction?  Job similarity?  ---  04/24/1997

Sociology, friends.  ---  (1) Making friends.  Actively searching and finding like minded people.  Evaluating candidates good and bad.  (2) Keeping friends.  Maintenance calls and visits.  ---  11/30/1997

Sociology, friends.  ---  (1) Making new friends.  (2) Old friends.  Emotional bonds, how strong, how long.  Despite what change in individuals or situation.  ---  12/30/1992

Sociology, friends.  ---  (1) One reason I don't make friends is because you become responsible for helping them.  You see that you are the one who can make a difference in their life, and then when their life goes bad you feel responsible.  (2) They also expect a certain amount of time from you.  An hour a week on the phone times 20 people is 20 hours a week of your free time shot.  ---  01/11/1997

Sociology, friends.  ---  (1) Taking care of self.  Taking care of others.  Talking and listening.  Talking about problems (talk therapy), and talking about important issues in life (doing philosophy).  (2) A tricky area: who to take care of how much?  (3) Giving each other needed love and attention.  Man is social.  We have social roles and social needs.  ---  04/24/1997

Sociology, friends.  ---  (1) The recalcitrant friend.  Friends who don't want to be your friend.  Should you be a friend to them anyway?  Why?  (2) Friends who hurt you or try to hurt you, intentionally or unintentionally.  Dump them.  ---  12/29/1997

Sociology, friends.  ---  (1) The search for healthy social relationships, i.e. for good friends, is of vital importance.  It helps keep you alive and healthy and productive.  (2) Friends.  Too picky and you lose them all.  Too loose and you screw yourself by hanging out with jerks.  ---  02/15/1997

Sociology, friends.  ---  (1) The true friend: you can show your real self to, including weaknesses.  (2) The fair weather friend: you are friend as long as things are going ok.  (3) The fake friend: not really your friend.  (4) The neutral: cold.  (5) The opponent: competitive with you.  Generally opposed to you or your type (race, religion, political views, etc.).  (6) Deadly enemy: will hurt you if they get the chance, or will go out of their way to hurt you.  ---  12/01/1993

Sociology, friends.  ---  (1) What do my friends want from me?  (2) What do I want from my friends?  ---  4/7/2006

Sociology, friends.  ---  (1) Why get friends?  To survive.  (2) How treat friends?  In a manner to keep them.  Kiss up to them.  Say they are smart.  Say they are beautiful.  Say they are better than you.  Ask to take them out.  Do whatever they want.  Shameless kiss-ass for a crash pad.  ---  02/28/1998

Sociology, friends.  ---  (1) Why it is good to socialize and have lovers, friends, acquaintances, and family.  (A) To gain multiple perspectives on and solutions for problems.  (B) Multiple heads are better than one.  More knowledge.  (2) Why it is bad.  (A) They can be loonies, morons, evil, and it can lead to fighting too much or too often.  They can hurt more than they help.  ---  12/30/1995

Sociology, friends.  ---  A friend is someone who entertains and informs and challenges your mind without even trying to.  You both grow, learn, and you don't hurt each other.  ---  12/30/1995

Sociology, friends.  ---  A friend is someone you can talk to.  To me friendship is about communication.  The criteria is that neither of the friends consider talking to the other a waste of time.  You meet by chance, share a few ideas, then go your separate mental ways.  ---  12/30/1995

Sociology, friends.  ---  A very basic type of communication between friends is to say, "Hey, guess what, something good happened", or "Guess what, something bad happened".  This type of sharing of joys and sorrows is something with which some of us are utterly unfamiliar.  ---  1/4/2002

Sociology, friends.  ---  Although I don't like them.  Although I don't believe what they believe.  I may need them for an emergency crashpad, relationship, job, etc.  Is this caving in to practicality too much?  Yes.  ---  4/23/2002

Sociology, friends.  ---  An advertisement.  I am not a shrink, philosopher, or priest.  You can talk to me for $10 an hour.  I can hear a confession.  I can be an audience for people who preach an ideology.  I can be an audience for people who entertain.  I can be a partner for people who want to dialogue or have a conversation.  I can be an opponent for people who want to debate.  ---  12/29/1997

Sociology, friends.  ---  Are friends important?  How important and why?  The hip are rare.  The hip I meet are fewer still.  The hip I meet who like me are rarer still.  This is an argument to find, and develop, and keep friends.  ---  11/29/1993

Sociology, friends.  ---  As an adult, making friends can be based on (1) Ease of communication, similarity of communication style (part of personality).  (2) Shared ethical values and goals (as reflected in lifestyle).  (3) Similarity of world view (metaphysics), the way you think things are.  ---  12/30/1995

Sociology, friends.  ---  Audrey is important.  Having a good love relationship is very important.  Friends of various types (work friends, leisure friends) and degrees (strong, close, frequent friends vs. far, weak, infrequent acquaintances) is important for survival and development (esp. psychological development).  They are not easy to come by.  They are not often come upon.  They are not easy to keep.  Finding them and keeping them takes work, it is an effort, not all fun and games.  They are important not to "have fun" but to discuss important issues and grow and develop as people.  Girlfriends and friends are just more work in order to survive.  Having fun is serious important business.  ---  12/30/1996

Sociology, friends.  ---  Basis of cohesion, in the face of basis of dispersal, how much of former will overcome how much of latter?  ---  12/30/1992

Sociology, friends.  ---  Basis of friendship.  (1) Trust, not betrayal.  (2) Ideological friendship.  (3) Compatible personalities.  Enjoy each others company.  ---  3/16/2000

Sociology, friends.  ---  Change in friendship relationship is constant.  How much change, how change (to what), why.  ---  12/30/1992

Sociology, friends.  ---  Change.  All friendships change.  Form, peak, decay, die.  For various reasons.  Degree, speed.  ---  12/30/1992

Sociology, friends.  ---  Close friendship is the same as a lover, except without the sex.  Communication, trust, honesty, etc.  ---  4/7/1998

Sociology, friends.  ---  Conditional friendships vs. unconditional friendships.  ---  12/30/1992

Sociology, friends.  ---  Contrary to popular opinion, it is not necessary for two people to like each other in order to be friends.  What is necessary is that two people arrive, implicitly or explicitly, at some type of agreed upon "contract of friendship".  A common contract, in a most basic form, is "Treat me civil and I will treat you civil.  Do me a favor and I will do you a favor.  Do not cross me and I will not cross you."  Why is it not necessary for people to like each other to be friends?  Because when people interact they rarely know who they are dealing with.  People rarely understand who the other person is.  (2) However, some people live together fifty years and never know who the other person is.  And other people talk for only an hour and are able to know who the other person is.  (3) Additionally, some people do not know very well who they are themselves.  And even worse, some people are so devoid of opinion that there is very little there.  Nothing to like or dislike about the person.  Ghostly.  Ghastly.  ---  6/4/2001

Sociology, friends.  ---  Deciding how often to visit and how long to stay.  Does the guest or host think the guest is coming over too little or too much, and staying too long or too short?  Does the guest or host think that the other person thinks it is too much or little, or too long or short?  Do both guest and host think it is a ritual or socially required ritual, or do they really want to visit?  ---  10/15/1993

Sociology, friends.  ---  Develop a good (adequately large) network of good friends (healthy people in healthy relationships), without which people get depressed or go crazy and kill selves.  ---  04/24/1997

Sociology, friends.  ---  Dropping friends and finding new friends.  ---  12/30/1992

Sociology, friends.  ---  Enemies (see also: Sociology, struggling).  (1) Degree they oppose you and why.  Degree you oppose them and why.  (A) Ideological enemies: opposing views.  (B) Actual enemies: actual struggle.  ---  12/30/1992

Sociology, friends.  ---  Enemies.  (1) Degree they oppose you.  (2) Degree you oppose them. (3) Ethics of the struggle (means, ends).  ---  12/30/1992

Sociology, friends.  ---  Enemies.  (1) How much they want to hurt you.  (2) How much they hurt you.  (3) How often and long they think bad against you.  ---  12/30/1992

Sociology, friends.  ---  Enemies.  (1) Ideological enemies (views differ) vs. struggling enemies: (A) Competing for same goal.  (B) Hurt each other.  (2) Whether it is good or bad (values).  ---  12/30/1992

Sociology, friends.  ---  Enemies.  (1) That hate you personally.  (2) That hate your type.  (3) That have different goals or agendas.  (4) Outright enemy vs. secret enemies.  ---  12/30/1992

Sociology, friends.  ---  Enemies.  (1) Tries, tried, or will try to hurt you.  (2) Intentionally or not.  (3) Opposition in thought, word, and action.  Directly against you.  Or against what you believe in.  (4) Don't kiss up to them.  Vanquish them.  (5) Get catharsis, get justice.  (6) Never take any shit from anyone at anytime.  ---  12/30/1992

Sociology, friends.  ---  Enemies.  (1) Types of assholes, and the tactics they use, what caused them to be that way, where they are encountered (subject areas), and what you can do about them.  (2) One discrimination we can make is between sophisticated, intelligent, mannerly, high class assholes, who you will never see screw you, and low class, moronic assholes who are in your face.  Also, there is the stupid, crazy, evil classification.  More types: bullies, double-agents, fu*k ups, fu*k offs.  (4) Do they hate you (A) Because of something you did, good or bad.  (B) Because of who you are (prejudice).  (C) Because of personality differences.  (D) Because they just hate people.  (E) Because they hate what you believe in (ideological foe).  ---  04/04/1994

Sociology, friends.  ---  Enemies.  A good enemy is hard to find.  A good enemy gives one a reason to fight.  And a reason to fight is a reason to stay alive.  ---  08/08/1988

Sociology, friends.  ---  Enemies.  Betrayal of confidences.  Ignoring, cold shoulder, ditching, dropping.  ---  12/30/1992

Sociology, friends.  ---  Enemies.  People who don't like you (even if their perception are wrong, or their perceptions are right but their morals are wrong) will try to push you around hard (even if wrong).  Protect yourself.  ---  09/24/1993

Sociology, friends.  ---  Enemies.  There are people who will tell lies about you and try to destroy you just because (1) You don't say hello.  (2) They don't like your face.  (3) For fun.  (4) They are having a bad day.  (5) And these people are almost impossible to spot.  ---  08/20/1994

Sociology, friends.  ---  Enemies.  To a fanatical enemy, everything you think say and do is wrong and will be used against you.  They are not objective.  They are not rational.  They will not cut you any slack.  They will put your every move under a microscope of negativity.  They will use dirty tactics.  ---  12/19/2003

Sociology, friends.  ---  Friends (1) Trust, (2) Respect, (3) Admire, (4) Tolerate.  (5) Therapy for each other, to reveal problems and listen to problems.  (6) Discuss goals and philosophy.  (7) Have fun.  ---  12/30/1992

Sociology, friends.  ---  Friends and enemies.  (1) Enemy is someone you struggle against, and who struggles against you.  See struggling.  (2) Friend is someone you like and who likes you.  See like.  ---  4/7/1998

Sociology, friends.  ---  Friends and enemies.  (1) What individual or society thinks one person's behavior toward another (by doing or not doing with them, for them, or to them) makes them a friend or enemy.  Values (types of actions) and standards (degrees of action).  Vs.  (2) Objective health standard.  ---  12/30/1992

Sociology, friends.  ---  Friends and enemies.  Degree a person will like/dislike you right off the bat, after finding anything out about you (ex. your natural political tendencies) vs. the degree a person will suspend judgment in thought or action  (1) Out of noble toleration, (2) Out of political realist tendencies, (A) To be secretive,  (B) To see how they can use you,  (C) To see how you will react.  ---  05/30/1993

Sociology, friends.  ---  Friends and enemies.  One of the best things life has to offer is meeting someone cool.  One of the worst things life has to offer is meeting an asshole.  ---  10/05/1994

Sociology, friends.  ---  Friends and enemies.  Speed it takes you make friends and speed it takes you to make enemies.  These two variables lead to four personality types.  (1) Slow, slow.  (2) Slow, fast.  (3) Fast, slow.  (4) Fast, fast.  ---  11/27/1993

Sociology, friends.  ---  Friends help each other grow.  ---  01/10/1994

Sociology, friends.  ---  Friends or lovers.  X thinks y is their friend because of,  (1) Mutual respect.  (2) Shared values.  (3) Similar backgrounds.  (4) Equals in all areas.  (5) Helps me?  The reciprocation of favors issue.  (6) Choose to spend much time together.  (7) Cares for you.  (8) Won't hurt you.  (9) Won't just use you.  (10) Revealing things to each other.  (11) Communication: how much tell, about what, how soon.  (12) Trust.  (13) Honesty.  (14) Openness.  ---  12/30/1992

Sociology, friends.  ---  Friends share same views.  Friends help each other.  ---  12/30/1992

Sociology, friends.  ---  Friends you turn to (1) To help you with your problems.  (2) To help them with their problems.  (3) To share your windfalls with them.  (4) To share their windfalls with you.  (5) To get things done together.  (6) Degree and frequency you do any of these.  ---  12/30/1992

Sociology, friends.  ---  Friends, problems with.  (1) Spending too much time together vs. spending not enough.  (2) Telling me too much vs. telling me not enough.  (3) Interact often vs. interact seldom.  (4) Close vs. distant.  ---  12/30/1992

Sociology, friends.  ---  Friends, types.  (1) Close vs. distant acquaintance.  (2) Old vs. new, long vs. short time.  (3) Steadfast vs. fair-weather.  ---  12/30/1992

Sociology, friends.  ---  Friends, various definitions.  Nice things said to a growling dog to prevent being bitten is not friendship.  ---  12/30/1992

Sociology, friends.  ---  Friends, why are you wasting my time?  Why cannot I understand you, and why cannot you understand me?  Why do you not say what you mean?  Why do you prattle on inanely?  Why do we sit in sullen silence?  Why are we wasting our lives?  We smile, we say hello, and go our separate ways.  Two paths diverged in the woods, and I headed off trail.  ---  2/7/2007

Sociology, friends.  ---  Friends: how many do I want, and how close?  Who do I want to be close vs. very far away, and why?  ---  12/30/1992

Sociology, friends.  ---  Friends: how many, how close?  Moving away, moving together, or stagnating, and at what rates.  ---  12/30/1992

Sociology, friends.  ---  Friends.  Talking and seeing too much or little of each other.  Knowing where to draw the line.  How the line changes as the relationship or the situation changes.  ---  12/30/1992

Sociology, friends.  ---  Friends.  Who to approach, and who to let approach you?  ---  12/30/1992

Sociology, friends.  ---  Friendship is a mild form of love.  And love is good to have.  Love is a must have.  Thus, friends are good to have.  But we also need boundaries and privacy.  ---  03/16/1997

Sociology, friends.  ---  Friendship logic.  (1) Widest definition: friends with everyone.  (2) Wide definition: Anyone not my enemy is my friend.  (3) Less wide definition: Omitting strangers and acquaintances.  (4) Narrow definition: Spending time with a person.  Sharing information.  Doing "friend" activities.  ---  4/1/2005

Sociology, friends.  ---  Friendship math.  A three month friend is a friend you talk to every three months.  If everyone has 12 three month friends, and they call their friends once a week, then the person has someone to call to each week, and everyone gets talked to on a rotating basis.  ---  04/16/1994

Sociology, friends.  ---  Friendship math.  You want to meet twice a week with your "every two weeks" friends (i.e., those friends you see every two weeks).  So you must get at least four "every two weeks" friends.  ---  5/6/1999

Sociology, friends.  ---  Friendship, basic questions.  (1) What's the basis of our friendship?  (2) What and how much do we put into and get out of the friendship?  (3) What would it take, and how easy would it be, to break up our friendship (unconscious and conscious views of both friends, and objective view).  (4) How well do we know each other (views on x)?  (5) Who do I want as my friends?  (6) What do I want from my friends?  (7) How much time to spend with them?  (8) How close to let them get?  (9) What and how much you want from them?  (10) What and how much you'll put out for them?  ---  12/30/1992

Sociology, friends.  ---  Friendships of same vs. different age, class, race, or sex.  ---  12/30/1992

Sociology, friends.  ---  Have limits, boundaries, and safety mechanisms.  You have to be on guard with friends because they can intentionally or unintentionally screw up your life.  ---  10/05/1997

Sociology, friends.  ---  Having friends is hard work, it takes effort, and it can be a drag.  The best you can do is find friends who share your ideals.  So they recognize your worth, and spending time with them is pleasant.  ---  10/30/1997

Sociology, friends.  ---  History of a friendship.  (1) The discovery phase: The excitement of finding a new friend and discovering who they are and what you have in common.  (2) The post-discovery phase: After you have a better idea who they are.  After you know what they have to offer.  (3) The discovery phase involves finding out: (A) Who I am.  What my goals are.  (B) Who they are.  What their goals are.  (C) What we have in common.  What we differ on.  ---  4/30/2005

Sociology, friends.  ---  How close, in what way, how long, how constant, how reliable?  ---  12/30/1992

Sociology, friends.  ---  How easily you get along with friends depends on how much you need vs. desire them.  Need much, desire much, leads to vampirism.  Need much, desire little, leads to needy bastard.  Need little, desire much, leads to me.  Need little, desire little, leads to aloofness.  ---  12/30/1995

Sociology, friends.  ---  How friendly should one get with people you know little of?   How much do you have to know about them (religious view, political views, etc.) before calling them acquaintance or friend?  What bad view held, or what bad behavior done, should put them at what distance from you, and why?  ---  03/01/1997

Sociology, friends.  ---  How good friends are depends on (1) How much they help you when you are in how bad a situation.  (2) How reliable or constant they are, especially when you and/or they change (and how much change).  (3) Reasons they think, say, actually are your friends.  ---  12/30/1992

Sociology, friends.  ---  How much help you when you are in how bad a situation.  Reasons they think, say, and actually are your friend.  Reasons you think they are your friend.  Visa versa.  ---  12/30/1992

Sociology, friends.  ---  How much interact, and how interact?  ---  12/30/1992

Sociology, friends.  ---  How much to confide in friends, and how soon?  How do you know when to trust them?  Do not tell them anything that can be used against you.  ---  9/22/1998

Sociology, friends.  ---  How much to let your friends (consciously and unconsciously, on both your part and their parts) change or affect you for better or worse.  ---  12/30/1992

Sociology, friends.  ---  Ideal friends are as tough to find as ideal lovers.  ---  12/30/1996

Sociology, friends.  ---  If one is "average" and "not picky" then one can have many friends.  If one is unique or different (not necessarily above or below average) and if one is also picky then it is more of a challenge to find friends.  ---  3/20/2004

Sociology, friends.  ---  If they say just one thing loving, or even insightful, or even just amusing, each time I see them, perhaps they are worth keeping as friends.  ---  05/18/1997

Sociology, friends.  ---  Is a friend and a friendship just an experience for you, something to taste and move on, or is it real, deeply felt, deeply meaningful, important, and much needed for you?  ---  12/30/1995

Sociology, friends.  ---  It is easy to be friends with an equal.  The tough part is being friends with (1) Someone better than you (it is humiliating), or (2) Some one worse than you (it is a waste of time).  Usually a person tends to get along better with 1 or 2.  Ex. I have less trouble putting up with those below me than those more talented than me, or those in formal authority positions.  Others are better at kissing up.  ---  12/30/1996

Sociology, friends.  ---  It is easy to have friends if you have no standards or principles, and if you accept any type of thinking and behavior in others.  If your values and standards are too narrow and high then you won't be able to accept anyone.  When do you get rid of a friend, or not make a friend, on the basis of ethical principles?  Ideally we would like to help everyone, but we don't want to associate with slime.  How solve this paradox?  ---  02/07/1997

Sociology, friends.  ---  Let's say you have many friends.  Let's say you have forty friends.  And lets say each friend wants to have an hour-long chat with you once a month.  Your friends can easily use up all of your free time in frivolous conversation.  That is a problem.  Friends can waste your time.  ---  11/28/2005

Sociology, friends.  ---  Like vs. dislike.  (1) Friends, neutrals, and enemies.  (2) Old and new, known and unknown.  ---  12/30/1992

Sociology, friends.  ---  Like vs. dislike.  (1) Like vs. hate is an emotion.  (2) Friendly vs. unfriendly is a behavior.  ---  12/30/1992

Sociology, friends.  ---  Logic of friendship.  Various common views and definitions of friendship. (1)  Anyone who is not my enemy is my friend.  (2)  If you are not my friend then you are my enemy.  (3) If you are not for us then you are against us.  (4)  The enemy of my enemy is my friend.  ---  1/1/2002

Sociology, friends.  ---  Looking for friends in the city.  (1) There are more people to choose from, which only makes people more picky about choosing their friends.  (2) More people means more crazy people and evil people, which makes people more picky about choosing their friends.  ---  9/11/1998

Sociology, friends.  ---  Me.  (1) Another theory.  Perhaps I have no friends because I think that I am hot stuff.  Big headed.  (2) Another theory.  Perhaps I have no friends because I am intolerant.  ---  10/15/1999

Sociology, friends.  ---  Me.  Reasons I do not have many friends.  (1) Avoid responsibility.  I don't like to get mixed up with them.  (2) Selfishness.  If they are not giving me sex why bother.  It takes time away from my work.  (3) Fear and paranoia.  Who am I dealing with?  (4) Anger and disgust, with them and with myself.  (5) Anti-social.  I do not enjoy, or even understand, friendship.  (6) Intolerance to ideological foes.  (7) Jealousy.  I get jealous when they spend time with other friends.  (8) I dislike it when they screw up your life.  (9) Maybe I should just enjoy feeling good when I help someone.  Good karma.  ---  10/05/1997

Sociology, friends.  ---  Me.  Why do I have trouble getting and keeping friends?  I used to think it was my anger.  Now I think that my fear has more to do with it.  Also, a perfectionism and idealism that makes me intolerant.  Also, my interests in reading and writing philosophy are not popular.  ---  7/6/1999

Sociology, friends.  ---  Most important ideas.  Having friends is important.  Having good friends is important.  Find out their character.  You have to work at finding and keeping them, just like you work at finding and keeping a girlfriend.  It takes time and effort.  ---  10/05/1997

Sociology, friends.  ---  Mutual friendship vs. one sided friendship.  ---  12/30/1992

Sociology, friends.  ---  My criteria for spending time with friends.  (1) You tend to want as much from them as you give to them, in terms of ideas and emotional output.  (2) You tend to want as much from them, in terms of ideas, as you could generate alone.  (3) In either case, if you are not getting anything from them, you tend to feel you are getting shortchanged, ripped off, gypped, and wasting your time.  ---  01/11/1997

Sociology, friends.  ---  My latest basis for friendship is just like sex.  If they like me, I like them, provided they do not abuse me.  Do not give friends or lovers an opportunity to seriously hurt you or yours.  ---  04/24/1997

Sociology, friends.  ---  Nature of friendship at any age: optimal, sub-optimal, and pathological.  ---  12/30/1992

Sociology, friends.  ---  Neutrals, acquaintances, and strangers.  ---  12/30/1992

Sociology, friends.  ---  Neutrals.  (1) Amount you are in presence of another person.  (2) Amount you interact with a person.  (3) Amount you know about them.  (4) How you treat them: as neutral, friend, or enemy.  ---  12/30/1992

Sociology, friends.  ---  People united by enduring, shared principles have a chance at enduring friendship.  ---  2/27/2005

Sociology, friends.  ---  Pessimists remember the worst things about interactions with others, and foresees only bad things happening with others in the future.  Thus, pessimists have few friends.  ---  5/6/1999

Sociology, friends.  ---  Real friends can help you grow, and can be your psychotherapist.  False friends and bad friends don't really talk to you or listen to you, and they use you.  ---  06/30/1993

Sociology, friends.  ---  Reasons to have friends.  (1) Fame and success.  You help each other succeed.  You combine your strengths to create an art movement or professional organization, etc.  (2) Survival.  Without social contact people become depressed for lack of love.  They also become isolated and weird.  This reason is very important.  You support each other.  Get friends for your health (physical, psychological, and economic).  They also take care of each other when sick, or when lose a job and need a place to stay.  (3) To get stuff done.  People gather in groups to achieve goals they could not do alone.  They have principles and values in common.  Political goals, etc.  (4) Loneliness.  ---  04/15/1997

Sociology, friends.  ---  Secret friends vs. publicly acknowledged friends.  Secret enemies vs. publicly acknowledged enemies.  ---  6/1/2003

Sociology, friends.  ---  So you want to be social.  To help yourself and others survive.  Even if you do not enjoy it, and are not drawn to it.  Who to pick as friends?  What is their philosophy of social interaction, friendship (and love, sex)?  When are you wasting your time?  When are you overdoing it by putting too much time and energy into a friendship and getting nothing out of it?  ---  04/24/1997

Sociology, friends.  ---  Some people want and need a lot of friends and much social interaction.  Other people want and need few friends and little social interaction.  These variables correlate to nothing.  For every loner who kills themselves there are ten socialites who utterly waste their lives on an endless round of parties.  Cheers.  ---  11/25/2004

Sociology, friends.  ---  Strangers.  Meeting someone new, anonymously, and privately (one on one only).  Amazing how giving and kind they can be.  The intimacy of strangers has a specialness all its own.  We confess to strangers.  There are things we would never say to the ones we know, or do with the ones we know, that we do with strangers.  With strangers we can satisfy strange urges, experiment, play and learn, disclose truths, and tell lies, all mostly without harm.  Strangers defined not only as people we never met before, but also people we know we will never meet again.  Places where anonymity is maintained are interesting.  Places like Internet chat, phone sex, and anonymous phone calls are interesting social phenomena with many unique good points to them.  They can be very addicting because they provide human contact easily and instantly.  No loneliness.  Yet they can be dangerous and unethical if one is doing harm.  ---  06/20/1994

Sociology, friends.  ---  Strangers.  Treating unknowns as friends, neutrals, or enemies.  ---  12/30/1992

Sociology, friends.  ---  Summary of problems of friendship and social relations in general.  (1) The problem of reciprocity.  Owing favors.  (2) The problem of differing ideals.  Ideological differences.  (3) The problem of knowing who they are.  A circular problem, being that you can not be their friend if you do not know them and you can not know them unless you are their friend.  (4) The problem of how much you need to know about them before you call them friend.  Can you call them friend without knowing anything about them.  Can you only call them friend if you know absolutely everything about them, and is that even possible.  (5) The problem of them messing with you.  To what degree and amount should you put up with them doing you wrong either by mistake or intentionally.  (6) The problem of trust and betrayal.  How much to trust them.  What to do about betrayal.  (7) The problem of how much do they want from you, and how much you should give them.  ---  3/20/2001

Sociology, friends.  ---  Terms.  Friends, neutrals, enemies, strangers, knowns.  ---  12/30/1992

Sociology, friends.  ---  The big question is what do we have in common?  What holds us together?  What will you ask me to do, and not?  What can I ask you to do, and not?  ---  10/05/1997

Sociology, friends.  ---  The big sociological question: why is it so difficult to find and keep friends and lovers?  The turnover is high due to (1) They move away.  (2) They flip ideologically.  (3) They dump you or you dump them.  (4) So you must continuously re-supply.  Hit on one per week, or better yet, make one new friend per week.  Make one maintenance call per month for each friend.  ---  3/30/1998

Sociology, friends.  ---  The friendship cycle.  Coming together, and drifting apart.  ---  11/30/1997

Sociology, friends.  ---  The lost art of friendship.  People have forgotten how to meet, make and keep friends.  Or they do it poorly and meet low quality friends with bad results.  ---  6/21/1998

Sociology, friends.  ---  The people I like don't like me.  The people who like me I don't like.  It is a stand off.  ---  12/30/1992

Sociology, friends.  ---  There is only close lasting friendship for unchanging, uncritical people.  Stagnant vegetables.  Much like life-long monogamy is neither natural nor good, life-long friendship is neither natural nor good.  ---  2/27/2005

Sociology, friends.  ---  Three levels of friends.  (1) Don't ever change.  (2) May good things happen to you.  (3) I want to help you.     PART TWO.  Three levels of enemies.  (1) I want them to change their tune.  (2) I want bad things to happen to them.  (3) I want to hurt them.  ---  6/1/2003

Sociology, friends.  ---  Three problems.  (1) Conditional friendship.  (2) Manipulation.  (3) Power and control, using and abusing.  ---  12/30/1992

Sociology, friends.  ---  To me, friendship means finding friends who are hip.  Friends-hip.  ---  8/30/1998

Sociology, friends.  ---  True friends vs. false friends.  ---  12/30/1992

Sociology, friends.  ---  Two types of false friends.  (1) They think you are their friend but you are not.  (2) You think they are your friend but they are not.  ---  7/7/2003

Sociology, friends.  ---  Two views of friendship.  (1) Friendship as contract.  Exchange theory.  (2) Friendship as allies.  Conflict theory.  ---  4/15/2002

Sociology, friends.  ---  Two views.  (1) I am basically friendly.  Everyone is my friend.  People are basically good.  (2) I am basically finicky.  My friendship has to be earned.  People are basically bad.  ---  4/15/2002

Sociology, friends.  ---  Types of friends: (1) Non-enemies, (2) Acquaintances, (3) Real close friends.  ---  12/30/1992

Sociology, friends.  ---  Value of friends.  (1) Share knowledge.  (2) New perspectives.  (3) Achieve goals by working together.  (4) Emotional support.  Cheering up.  (5) Support in times of crisis.  Crash pads.  ---  07/05/1997

Sociology, friends.  ---  Various definitions of levels of friendship.  How often interact.  How complex interact.  How positive or negative interact.  How long interact.  How long between interactions and still stay friends.  How much abuse take and still stay friends.  How much understand each other.  How much agree.  ---  12/30/1992

Sociology, friends.  ---  Ways of describing friend relationships.  (1) "I am a friend of hers."  That is, she considers me a friend.  (2) "She is a friend of mine."  That is, I consider her a friend.  PART TWO.  (1) "I am an enemy of his."  That is, he considers me an enemy.  (2) "He is an enemy of mine."  That is, I consider him an enemy.  ---  6/1/2003

Sociology, friends.  ---  What are the limits of friendship?  Should I be your friend if you hurt me, or try to hurt me, intentionally or accidentally?  Should I be your friend if you hurt others, or try to hurt others, intentionally or accidentally?  Should I be your friend if we have a major difference in views?  Like if you believe its okay to do something that I believe is unethical?  Is loyalty to friends the paramount virtue?  No, it is not.  ---  1/2/2004

Sociology, friends.  ---  What counts most in friends?  Intelligence?  Agreeing with your views, agendas, goals?  Trustworthy?  Communicative?  Not a drain on you, low maintenance?  ---  12/26/1997

Sociology, friends.  ---  What makes for friends?  (1) Not wanting nothing from each other.  (2) Not being able to take anything from each other.  ---  06/30/1993

Sociology, friends.  ---  When a person has no mate, they do not see the use of gaining another friend.  Once a person has a mate, they start to see the value of friends again.  It happens all the time.  ---  9/24/1998

Sociology, friends.  ---  Why friends?  (1) To learn.  (2) For love.  (3) For therapy (cheap).  ---  03/16/1997

Sociology, friends.  ---  Why have friends?  There are various views people have about why to have friends, including the following: For conversation.  For emotional support.  For financial support.  For favors, and labor.  For protection, escort, chaperon.  ---  7/1/2006

Sociology, friends.  ---  Years went by without a decent conversation.  I began to lower my expectations.  ---  8/20/1999

Sociology, friends.  ---  You do not have to know any universal geniuses.  Just meet a lot of people who are expert in their fields.  Geniuses are tough to find.  Experts are easy to find.  Experts will know what they know, but will not know what they do not know.  An expert is a poor excuse for a genius.  ---  08/15/1994

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Paul Nervy Notes. Copyright 1988-2007 by Paul Nervy.